Staying in the Fence

Today the kiddos and I went for a walk around our new block. Despite the freezing weather, I bundled everyone up to get a dose of some fresh air and sunshine. We saw horses, an old general store turned pizza shop, an antiquated little church, the elementary school Baileigh will be going to next year, a big frozen lake, and an adorable dog in a sweater. We had deep talks about kindergarten expectations, educational lessons on hibernation and migration, and inquiries about shock collars and electric fences. She noticed that the cute, clothed dog we saw only came so far. She could tell he wanted to come see us, but he didn't. She asked why and I told her that his collar was like the silver string around the horses fence that can buzz if they go too far; it keeps them safe inside. She said,



"Oh I get it, it's just because their owner doesn't want them to get lost." 

What a beautiful image of God my daughter gave me in that moment. I thought about the fences and how they are just like the protective guidelines our Father gives us. Not to hurt us, or because He doesn't want us to have any fun, but simply because our Owner doesn't want us to get lost. He knows if we cross the line that He's established for us, we'll end up hurting ourselves and wandering farther and farther away from Him.

I had in my mind a story from Baileigh's children's Bible that Doug had read to her last night and our walk gave me the metaphor I needed to keep it on my mind and store it in my heart. It says "Now some people think the Bible is a book of rules, telling you what you should and shouldn't do. The Bible certainly does have some rules in it. They show you how life works best." Just like the fence where the owner has the animals best interest in mind and obviously hopes to keep them close by, God uses His "rules" as a protective fence showing us how life works best, and He would know, considering He created it. It's all about His best for us and what He originally intended, before we ran off like a defiant pet. The story reminds us though that the main character of the Bible isn't the defiant pet, it's the Owner. "But the Bible isn't mainly about you and what you should be doing. It's about God and what He has done...No, the Bible isn't a book of rules...the Bible is most of all a Story...There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves His children and comes to rescue them.*"

Just like the owner that loves their animal, God set up a fence. We broke right through it and ran off, not realizing how much it would hurt. But like any good owner would do, God came running after us, not stopping until He found us; He went to every length possible to rescue us. Our Owner doesn't want us to be lost, so why won't we just stay, obey, and trust Him. God used a 4-year-old (again), a shock collar, and a children's book to speak into my heart today. What about you..



*The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones

Wailing to Dancing

"I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; He saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; He surrounds and defends all who fear him." ~Psalm 34:4-7


It's been a month now since Doug and I lost our little one. I'd be well into my second-trimester by now. Probably with a name picked out already, and maternity jeans starting to reappear in my closet. I'd be sure to do my chest presses and crunches on an incline and stay far away from my favorite peppermint mochas and sushi. But our date night last week ended at our favorite sushi spot and I got my first Starbucks of the season this weekend - bittersweet. I haven't had it in me yet to put away the pre-natal vitamins and my whole winter wardrobe still consists of beautifully bulky, high-waisted sweaters that I treated myself to when we found out we were expecting. The little things. Things I wouldn't have given any thought to before all this, set off the aches and involuntary tears.


When I went to the OB/GYN for my follow-up check a few days ago, I looked around in the waiting room and found myself surrounded by pregnant women and their anxious husbands. I even had to let one woman go before me in line because she was clearly overdue and obviously uncomfortable. I felt my face starting to burn up, heated with the overwhelming desire to feel the awkward agony that this 40-week pregnant mother was feeling. Oh what I would do to have that beautiful distress. My eyes welled up, but I managed to hold them back. Then the nurses smiled and welcomed me until they read my file, and then things quickly turned solemn with a lot of "I'm sorry for your loss" type things. As it's standard to do, I had to pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. "Think of it just for laughs," the doctor said. But I wasn't laughing. At the end of it all, the doctor told me everything was perfectly healed and my body seemed "ready again."  "You can start trying whenever you want now," she said. Surprisingly, I didn't feel happy about that at all. I was glad she deemed me "normal", but I was prepared to wait months like the hospital had told me. But now we're actually talking about another baby? What about this baby? The one I just lost. The one I'm mourning over still...that's what I want to talk about. I felt like an insane person about to cry over seemingly good news - emotions ricocheting and even contradicting each other, like only a woman's mind can do.

Before the miscarriage, I asked God to guard, surround, and defend my little baby. But like the Psalm above said, I also asked Him to free me from my fears. And when my fear came to pass, in my desperation, I prayed His Word through tears, "Hear me God and be merciful to me; Oh Lord BE MY HELP. Turn my wailing into dancing, remove my sackcloth and clothe me with joy, so my heart can sing to you and not be silent, giving thanks to you forever." (from Psalm 30:10-12)


Even though my hot tears fell again late last night at the realization that a month has passed and I still miss and ache for this baby immensely, but with God as my help, there has been much joy. Over and over, God has reminded me that through Him, I will meet this baby and my family will all be reunited in completeness and perfection one day. He has placed people and their shared experiences before me that have comforted and amazed me. And I have a new appreciation for my husband who not only took care of every physical need around me, but also tended to my heart like it was his full-time job. Such joy. And through all this, Doug's been creating a beautifully carved wooden frame for weeks now to showcase our baby's ultrasound and heartbeat image; it's nearly finished. Not to mention, we finally have found a home. We've been given the opportunity to rent an old farmhouse complete with horses for neighbors, a wrap-around porch, and plenty of room for our kids to play and grow. Amazingly, we should be moved in by next week! I am so looking forward to hanging our memorial frame in the playroom, alongside of pictures of Baileigh and Dougie. Turning my wailing into dancing, removing my tattered sackcloth and dressing me in joy. My heart will not be silent. I will sing - forever.

What are you thankful for...

I am thankful...

 for my baby brother,

 for all the animals,

for the wind on a hot day,

 that God made everyone super beautiful,

 for Aunt Missy coming to visit,

 that God doesn't change,

 for playing outside in the sun,

for being allowed to ask questions.

-Baileigh Umbehauer, 2012

Thanksgiving 2011 post - 24/7 thanksgiving

Home Sweet Home

In this season, for the first time in my life, my only job, my full-time endeavor, is being a household manager (aka: stay-at-home momma). Ironically, our family is living with Mima and Pipa at the moment, without a place to call our own. Just days before closing on a house this summer, our mortgage fell through with no chance of reapplying for at least 6 months. Our old place was packed and ready to go before it all fell through, but we put it all in a POD and now everything we own is sitting in the driveway at my in-laws. We are so grateful for being able to stay here while we sort everything out. However, I can't help but to be reminded everyday that the time I decided to be "home" completely full-time, we're without an actual home.

We've all heard the saying or have a grandma-embroidered hankie declaring "Home is where the heart is", but this phrase has rung more true to me in the last few months than ever before. Between being forbade the opportunity to own a home right now, to swallowing our pride and moving back in with our parents, to losing a great friend, to watching houses foreclose all around us, to losing a baby we'll never meet here on Earth - my idea of "home" and what that actually means has slowly been reconfigured. Our hope, our happiness, our peace, can't be found in walls or property or anything else in this world. There's so much more.

Because of this transitional period, at the last minute and with some dragging of feet, we decided it'd be best if I home-schooled Baileigh this year (more like home-preschooled). While it's only ABC's and 123's at this point in her academic career, this was never something I desired to do, or really even gave much thought. But she and I both would tell you it has been great. At our small, Christian academy in the dining room, she does all the fundamentals, but also memorizes a Bible verse and a praise song every month. Our first month here, she was confused, waiting to move to this new house she thought we had bought. So we focused on the theme of "home" in September and what the Bible says about it. Just the other day, while I was considering the rent vs. own arguments, I said to Baileigh with all seriousness, "what was that bible verse you learned a couple months ago about the house of the Lord?" " It's Psalm 23, verse 6, Mom!" she shouted from the other room. I opened up my Bible and laughed out loud when I saw she had it exactly right. And then I read it...

"Surely your goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

    forever."

I wish I could give you my big AHA moment on it, but to be honest, I'm still working on it. I hinted to it with my last post, trying to wrap my head around losing our unborn baby, and I try to teach my four-year-old the big-picture, but my troubled adult mind reminds me of all sorts of doubts and worries. How quickly I forget. But here is a prayer I wrote months ago during our transition attempting to overrule my concerns through the Word of God-


"No matter where I go, You and Your goodness, love, and blessing come with me, now and for the rest of my life. And from now until eternity, YOU ARE MY HOME and my hope. YOU are what fills my cup, and it overflows because of your love...Lord, you've taught me through this obstacle that it doesn't matter where we physically call home. What town, what state, rent vs. own, or even living with our parents. It's been humbling and eye-opening, but at the end of the day, our hope, and rest, and confidence are in You and not where we live..." 

This was a moment of clarity for me that came only after going over Psalm 23 over and over again at home-preschool. And honestly, it flees from me so easily. So I'm writing it again, reading it again, praying it again, and even sharing it now, until I can declare it daily, sincerely, whole-heartedly. My dwelling place is in the Lord, and that's good enough for me!