Trust + Birthdays

Nothing like waiting for a baby to make you want to write stuff down...if not, you just might go insane. With the pregnancy finish line so close (and somehow oh so far), your heart and head end up all over the place. But I have had a little practice sorting it out in the past, and I may have even picked up on a couple things along the way.


Through all 5 of my pregnancies I've learned lessons in sacrifice, surrender, humility, patience, sorrow, gratitude... it's almost impossible for a pregnant woman not to. But mostly I've learned to practice Trust... and you'd think I'd have it down by now, yet it's a daily choice, by the moment really, to take your grip off of that reed basket you know you're trying to steer and just let go, again and again.

My oldest's birthday is tomorrow; I don't know how, but she's going to be 7! About 9 months ago, when we told her this new baby's due date, the possibility of interference with her own birthday, or worse, her big party, was of top concern. She's prayed about it, shared it with our church, wrote homework assignments about it, whispered it to my belly button for months... 

"Hi, I love you, but please don't come on my birthday."

One night this week it was at the top of her prayer requests once again and after a day being filled with contractions coming and going, I knew I had to say something. I tried to explain to my precious daughter (ironically, redemptively, humorously?) the concept of our own desires versus God's will - trusting His plan, not ours.

Now this is the same discussion that our adult group just had the other week, and even we struggled/struggle to really get it. But I always bring it back to my Jesus, and even He, yes the Perfect One, experienced this.

He knew His hours were running out and the very same people that had just welcomed Him into the city with shouts of praise would scream out "crucify him" come tomorrow. And Jesus prayed. Through literal blood, sweat, and tears, He prayed for His own desires.

I paraphrased to my little-big-girl that before Jesus went to die on the cross for us he told God,

"I don't want to do this whole thing anymore, please don't make me do this..."

But He didn't stop there, He followed it by saying,

"But more than what I want, I really want whatever You want, God."


She ask me to repeat it, she closed her eyes to hear it harder.

Jesus confessed to God his honest desire, His (dare I say self-seeking?) needs. But... over-arching it all, Jesus prayed this: I Trust You God and Your Good Plan, for me and for everything. 

"Your Will be done, not mine." ~Luke 22:42


With each season, with each baby, with each moment, have Your way. I Trust You, again and again.

 

(With all that being said, the doctor told us today to plan for a birthday party tomorrow and a baby by next week. The almost-7-year-old jumped for joy  :)

Rejoice Today

I can't believe we are just 2 weeks away from becoming a family of 5! And this baby could be arriving even sooner with things already getting revved up in there. But with final weeks of pregnancy, anxious feelings tend to weigh heavy on me. Not so much the fearful, uneasy kind of anxiety, but the antsy, impatient kind. Less like worrying and more like hurrying. Just wanting to check off another day to get to tomorrow. You know, wanting a big X asap over today, so the upcoming circled date might come a little sooner.

But how dare I? Honestly, I've been gifted the opportunity to wake up this morning, breathe, see, move, feel, love - and all I want to do is get on with it all? Rush right through? I've said before that worrying is the opposite of trust. In that same way, God has shown me that hurrying is the opposite of gratefulness. Being so consumed with what's next that right now just isn't good enough. So focused on what's ahead of us that we don't take the time to look around us. Planning for tomorrow without enjoying the fullness of today.

The waiting game that comes with delivering a baby is filled with overwhelming eagerness, but we've all been there somehow... if I can just make it through til that vacation, after the holidays I can enjoy things again, once I get this test out of the way I'll go back to being happy. Think of all the days during the countdowns that can be counted as a waste because of the ungratefulness for the now and the hurrying for the next.

Psalm 118:24 declares, 

"This is the day the Lord has made. 

We will rejoice and be glad in it."

We will rejoice...today. We will be glad...today. God has made this day and it is here right now, how could we be anything less than fully thrilled in today. Doug and I had Fred Hammond's lively version of this Psalm
sung at our wedding ceremony with tambourines and all; maybe a little too energetic for some, but the day you get married is certainly a day to rejoice and be glad. The day you leave for the ever-awaited trip, of course you're glad in that day. The day a baby's enters this world - no doubt you will rejoice! But what about the inbetweeners - each of those are still THE day the Lord has made.

After feeling a little anxious this past week, God reminded me of some real things that humbly returned my hurrying into extreme gratefulness. One year ago today, I was actually pregnant. Pregnant with a baby that we eventually lost; in fact, we lost her on the date that this baby is due. But now, a year later, we are blessed and ready to welcome a child we intend to hold on this side of heaven. Yet, this past spring, we thought we weren't going to have that opportunity either, with a rough early pregnancy that had nurses shocked to see a sustaining heartbeat. But now at full-term, how can I do anything, but rejoice and be glad?? Be thrilled and sing for joy because of what God has done (Psalm 92:4).

I came across own words recently that I expressed just weeks after our miscarriage. After the follow-up appointment, I penned that I had to "...let one woman go before me in line because she was clearly overdue and obviously uncomfortable. I felt my face starting to burn up, heated with the overwhelming desire to feel the awkward agony that this 40-week pregnant mother was feeling. Oh what I would do to have that beautiful distress."

About a year ago, I was jealous, practically in tears, desiring to be in an overdue, pregnant women's (tight and uncomfortable) shoes, and now here I am at full-term entertaining thoughts of "hurry up and let's get this over with"? Nope, God used my own words against myself to remind me to be grateful, to rejoice, right now, today. The days filled with beautiful distress and awkward agony are good, good days. For all of us. And here I am in them, so I will rejoice and be glad - today!

Right on time

I've learned first-hand that God does not always answer when we want Him to or even beg Him to, but He is always, ALWAYS on time. Sometimes He makes you wait until the very last minute to test your faith or until you get your heart in the right place, but we serve a God who can be counted on to show up BIG TIME and ON TIME. And we should wait on that expectantly. 

I was due to have my son August 19 and because I was going to attempt a VBAC (Vaginal birth after a Cesarean), the doctors gave me 10 days to go into labor on my own. If I went past that, I would be forced to have a C-section on August 30. So the 19th came and went, along with several other endless days. From the beginning, I really felt that the whole VBAC thing was what God wanted for me, my husband, and my baby. So a few days before I was scheduled to have my C-section I completely broke down. I was getting impatient and frustrated. I was starting to feel overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and even anger. "Why can't my body labor and deliver a child?" "I'll never experience giving birth the way God intended it to be!"

Now that's not to say God doesn't use C-sections for good things... my daughter most likely would not have survived if it wasn't for that surgery. I, born a C-section as well, could say the same for myself and countless other people also. But this was personal now.. between God and I. A promise of sorts I had expected Him to keep. But just two days before surgery, I wiped up the tears of disappointment and began accepting God's will for myself and for my baby - no matter what that looked like. Well that Sunday morning on my way to church I slipped down my porch steps in the rain. I ended up in the hospital that morning instead of church to make sure baby was ok. Everything ended up being just fine.. but no signs of labor. That night I went to a small church service since I had missed that morning and really felt like I needed to be still and quiet with the Lord. The pastor, whom I had never met before, saw that I was clearly very pregnant and prayed with me. "Bring this baby tonight," he said. "Can you do that, Lord?" I was almost annoyed by it because at that point I was done asking for that and honestly maybe I wasn't sure if He COULD do that anymore. But sure enough, the next morning brought about some serious contractions. I was almost in disbelief when I started looking at the clock and realized they were coming 3 minutes apart. I managed to shave 1/4 of my legs and then we headed to the hospital!

After 18 hours of laboring in the hospital, my son was born (vaginally!) at 5:03 a.m. August 30. My C-section would have been scheduled for 5:45 a.m. that day. With just 42 minutes to spare, he was born right on time, according to God's timing - not mine.

Jesus was born at just the right time - and so were you.

"But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman.. " (Galatians 4:4)

Jesus died at just the right time - and so will you. 

"When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners." (Romans 5:6)

It's not your job to worry about His timing or try to figure it out for yourself.

“The Father alone has the authority to set those dates and times, and they are not for you to know." (Acts 1:7)

But God always hears you and shows up... 

right on time. 

“At just the right time, I will respond to you." -God (Isaiah 49:8)