My Marriage > _________?

In our first year of marriage, Doug and I were invited to attend a marriage retreat. Actually, we were gifted the retreat, so it's more like we were forced. Doug was beyond reluctant to go... nightmares of bunking with other couples and talking it out Dr. Phil style for all to hear had him seriously concerned. But it wasn't any of that. It was simply solid time together, to reflect, reconnect, and relax. And Doug will tell you, it was the best thing he'd ever been forced into.


At the retreat that year, we committed to putting at least one weekend aside annually to get away from the chaos, the kids, work, whatever, and solely focus on God and each other, our marriage triangle. It's been nearly 5 years now of upholding our commitment, attending the same marriage retreat regardless of moving or more and more kids. But after inviting our local church to join us last year and realizing this year's retreat may not happen, Doug and I knew it was time to share what we had been blessed with and start one right here.

But this time, I was the reluctant one. It wasn't speaking up for marriage that I was afraid of, I honestly thought marriage ministry could well be something we ended up doing together, one day. I just had assumed and hoped it would be twentysome years from now so we could publicly say:

"Hi, we're Doug and Michelle, we've been married for over 25 years, have multiple grown children, and here we are now, still smiling, so you best listen to our wise, experienced advice."

But God wouldn't have it that way. Instead it's:

"Hi, we're Doug and Michelle, we really haven't been married too long, we have a bunch of little kids running around us constantly, and life is getting kind of messy...BUT we made a commitment to each other above all of that and we will intentionally do all we can RIGHT NOW to honor each other and our marriage."

We simply want to encourage other couples... just married, decades married, re-married, to make your marriage your priority. Because the kids will grow up and go. Eventually you'll retire from that hectic job. And you can be certain circumstances will change. But God-willing, your spouse will be remain by your side. So make your marriage your priority, right now and in every moment!

Consider joining us for a time away to renew your marriage.

Seeking a Sponsor

This is about marriage. No, maybe more about divorce.

I hate divorce. Hate it and everything it stands for, no, against. Now hear me, because I'm not saying I hate people who are divorced or will be divorced.  As a mentor of mine always said, "Grace to you."...the same Grace that is to me. But divorce in itself, I hate.

Divorce is not patient, divorce is not kind. Divorce involves envy, it's boastful and proud. It dishonors many and is self-seeking. It's filled with anger, keeping a thorough record of wrongs.  Divorce delights in evil and disregards the truth. It never protects, never trusts, never hopes, and most certainly does not persevere. 

If that sounds familiar, it's because it's the opposite of what you hear at almost every wedding. The antonym of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. What love is not, divorce is. 

Pretty disturbingly to me, I've had multiple people, in just the last couple months, well-meaningfully say, "If Doug (my husband) were ever to start drinking again, I'd support you leaving him."

How disappointing. Support my leaving him? What about support my loving him? Who will help me love him if Lord forbid my beloved ever did fall back into addiction, darkness, despair? Who will pray with me for him, encourage him with me, and serve him with love in his ultimate "for worse"? Who will support me in that?

Because if you support my leaving him when he stumbles, then the enemy not only has a hold on him, but our marriage also. You'd be supporting the enemy, not me, not him, definitely not our marriage. And what if I were the one doing the stumbling? What then?

I need someone to hold our marriage accountable, no matter what comes our way. To remind us of 1 Corinthians 13 love. To shove our own vows in our face, our vows of forgiveness and prayerfulness. Someone who doesn't accept the lie of put the "me" before the "us". (Because that's not what I signed up for, that's not what I agreed to.) I made a deal, a promise, a covenant, and I need some back-up, a witness in that, to call me out, without fear of offense. I need a sponsor. That's who I need and that's what our marriage needs. And I'm hopeful you're already out there.

Don't just sit through weddings, post some pictures, and wish em well.
Sponsor a marriage.

Honeymoon Phase

My hubby and I recently celebrated 4 years married, the honeymoon phase is long gone, but (most of the time) we enjoy spending time together, that is when we carve out the time to do so. But with any extended relationship, comes changes to its dynamic, comfort level, effort involved; it's what doesn't change that's key.

Earlier in the summer, the two of us got away for the weekend. Away from the busyness of three little ones, the noise of  media, and all of the distractions that follow us around. One night, we sat outside on a bench and watched the sun set over the Chesapeake Bay. As we enjoyed the stillness, we couldn't help but to watch a young couple walk down to the dock together and adorably take a seat, feet hanging over, side-by-side. As the girl leaned back onto her hands and innocently swayed her feet over the water, her fancy flats flew out into the bay. She laughed in embarrassment and with little hesitation, her guy stripped off his polo and jumped right in to the unknowing depths of the bay, paddling out in search of her shoes.
Doug and I enjoyed our entertainment and both agreed out loud, "No way they're married!" He confessed if it was us, 4 years in, he would have just counted the shoes a loss. He did admit it may have been different say 5 years ago.

In the beginning of any relationship, there is so much to talk about, so much to learn, so much to look forward to. Everything seems so new and exciting. An eagerness to see, hear, hold, give. A wanting to do anything for them, being alert to any opportunity to serve them, prove your affection to them.

Several years in, you may feel like you already have heard all there is to hear, with not much left to learn, wondering if the best has come and gone. Things become routine, habitual. Eagerness turns to expectedness and where's the desire to prove something that's already being proclaimed?

I'm not saying that the hubby and I are there, there are mundane moments for sure, but if we didn't put time aside, to talk, to pray, to hold one other, to watch sunsets, to simply enjoy, I'm sure we would be. Stuck there, not knowing how to get back to the initial infatuation and excitement.

And this relational dynamic is just the same with my Heavenly Father, Savior, Best Friend. It's been years now, a decade maybe, going from knowing nothing, to wanting to know everything, to feeling sometimes like I've now heard it all, again and again. What's new? What's left? What's to look forward to? Going from full surrender of how can I serve you, to what do I have time for? What am I comfortable with?

But just like a husband and wife, we should never allow ourselves to get stuck there. It's an unproductive, destructive place to remain. The cure for my husband and I is time away to enjoy, rekindle, remember... the same for God and I.

There is much left to know about my husband, even more left to realize about my God. I want to be filled with joy each time my husband returns home, I want to overflow with joy each time I return Home. I want to serve, because I love and because I am loved. Because of a promise I made. I want to remain excited, with each date, with each time I open my Word. So much to look forward to, more than I can comprehend.

I want weeks, seasons, years, generations to pass, and to find myself willing and wanting. Willing to jump in, clothes and all, swimming, searching, serving. And while I know all relationships change as people do, I need most to remain grateful. Unchanging gratitude, an attitude which has the ability to keep any relationship new.

Then we your people, the sheep of your pasture,

    will thank you forever and ever,

    praising your greatness from generation to generation. 

   ~Psalm 79:13

Taking Back Marriage

Last Valentine's Day, I realized that the holiday may be bound to disappoint. I didn't mean to put a damper on the day, but truthfully, we are just imperfect people. We try to love and be loved, but God loves us more than anyone ever could. And our understanding of love and our ability to love others needs to stem from THAT relationship above all else. With that being said, my husband booked us a couple's cooking class on Valentine's Day this year (after some serious hinting on my part)! So I'm looking forward to Heart Day more than usual. But I am so thankful for the gift God has given me in my husband. My second love, next to the Lord. Doug knows he's the #2 seed, and he's glad for it. He'd say the same about my standing as well. Because by understanding God and our love-relationship with Him first, we are able to better live out our marriage, attempting to mirror the Love God has shown to us. Marriage is the closest glimpse we'll receive on Earth, person-to-person, to the kind of relationship God has always desired between us and Himself. Marriage is just a taste of what's to come. And God knew what He was doing when He created it; it was a gift for us, His beloved children.

When I think about all of that, I get pumped up about marriage! It's something Doug and I have always taken very seriously, but also joyfully, purposefully, prayerfully. And we've been blessed with influences that have taught us even more how significant marriage is, and how our marriage, specifically, can be significant. We put time aside each week just to reflect, plan, and pray for our marriage. We've committed to putting at least one weekend aside each year to reconnect and refresh our marriage. Even still, our marriage isn't perfect because it's a combining of two imperfect people, but we can press towards the goal of reflecting God's love in our marriage, and we really try to. So in a world that feels like it's perfectly OK to take back marriage like you would take back an ugly sweater, I am taking back marriage to what it was originally intended to be: a blessing that is to be taken seriously. Ephesians 5 gives us a beautiful example of what marriage was created to look like, some may see it as old-fashioned or unbalanced, but that's only because they don't understand the love-respect relationship that we're aiming to emulate, that of Christ and ourselves! Pauls summarizes his whole explanation of marriage by saying "So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)  When someones loves you like he loves himself, it pretty easy to respectfully love him back. And that's an awesome place to start!

I have to say, it's been pretty upsetting to me seeing people my age, reaching their mid-twenties, and their reactions to marriage. I've seen a lot of statuses saying things along the lines of  "If I see one more engagement update I'm going to throw up!" or "I don't care that you are getting married-shut up!" Or on the other hand, peers of mine who are already on their way to or finalizing a divorce publicly, and people "liking" and cheering them along, like they just achieved something? I don't understand and I won't accept this way of thinking. It's a misunderstanding, a big lie. Whether you're married or not, it's not OK, and you don't have to play along with it. Will you take back marriage with me? What it was intended to be, what it stands for, what it could be. Significant. Joyful. Committed. Celebrated.

Think on love this Valentine's Day: the One who loved you first, and maybe the one who loved you second. <3 "..a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one."
Genesis 2:24