More (grace) Than I Can Handle

Our kitchen is under construction, we're picking out splinters from a plywood floor for now and our groceries are thrown into a rubbermaid.
My son only wants to wear underwear and eats twice as often as the average 3 year old.
My 6 year old has been on a jeans strike for over 2 years now, also uncomfortable socks, tights, or sweaters make her squirm and scream in protest.
My one year old is walking now, splashing in the toilet and finding nails to play with in our construction zone are some of her favorite activities.
This latest pregnancy has me on limited activity...no vacuuming, no carrying baskets full of laundry, no exercise. "Don't be lifting up your kids," warns the doctor as I try not to laugh.
I hoard stuff in our minivan... when I don't, I have nothing that I need. So it's not unusual to sit on cushions of jackets and coupons.

Getting a visual yet?

More than I can handle. Way more...


So, when I tried to get in touch with someone to confirm an order yesterday for the fourth consecuitive day and she finally answered the phone seemingly annoyed to talk to me, I wasn't thrilled.
Then I heard her yell, "Stop pushing the buttons on the dryer, the clothes are trying to dry!!!"

And I smiled.

"Sorry, I have three kids," she said, "and I try to do this work from home. And it's kind of hard sometimes."

"Then we're in the same boat!" I said. "I have three also, a fourth on the way, and attempt to work a little from home. It's difficult, really difficult."

Her audible sigh of relief to have someone on the same page as her was just as comforting to me.

"This IS difficult. It really is!" she confessed back.

We stopped the business talk for a moment and went over the ages, genders of our kids. There was only a difference of months with each. She confided in me that her youngest was completely unexpected and was born with abnormalities, mostly cosmetic, but also indirectly affecting typical day-to-day stuff.

I listened and empathized as this stranger poured it all out to me, tears behind her phone.

Then she stopped herself and surprised me by declaring, "But the Lord gave us this baby. And really, he's healthy otherwise. I just keep reminding myself over and over that the Lord wouldn't give me more than I can handle."

I gently responded, "Can I tell you something... I hear you, but I think we really like to misuse that verse. With Him, we won't be tempted more than we can handle. But if we were only given circumstances that we could handle, we really wouldn't need Him right?"

"Yes. Yes! And I'm leaning into Him now more than ever."


We talked some more about our kids and eventually got to the business end of things, running numbers and specifics. She said, "Can I ask you something... how are you even doing this right now?"

I said, "Well, I buckled all of my kids into the minivan and pulled into a parking lot to have this conversation with you."

We both laughed and she actually thanked me, saying she'll have this conversation to think on when the moments get tough.

---

I know I've been given more than I can handle...but I'm so glad I have Him, who will never leave or forsake me in my mess, and who has surely poured on me more Grace than I can bear!


"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  -Deuteronomy 31:6

Singing

We celebrated our son's tank engine, third birthday over the weekend. I'll admit I get a little into in my kids' themes, but I love it because they love it. It's a chance to single out each kid, ask them what their heart desires, and (work my butt off to) magically fulfill their high hopes. One day a year just for them.

As I was prepping early morning for the party, on top of lists running in my head, I kept thinking on the tradition of singing over birthday individuals, little or grown, each year. It serves to celebrate and honor the person; it's the culmination of the birthday party! But if you really think about it, it's kind of strange having everyone sing a song in unison surrounding a single person. Not that strange though, because God does exactly the same with us. The Bible tells us,

"The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

God rejoices over you with singing, just like we all do to our kids on their birthdays. With smiling, taking delight in their every move, being physically next to them, and, if even for just a moment, putting everything else aside to simply sing.

He sings! Over you. To you. For you. I wish I could really grasp how incredible that is.


Every year, for everyone we know, we sing. Every second, for those He knows, God sings.

I love that when we sang to my son, he sang right along, with a "Happy Birthday to me" version. With God we are called to sing-along as well, not to ourselves and our own glory, but straight back to him. "Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jersusalem." (Zephaniah 3:14)

Insert your name above and sing. Sing with Him. Sing back to Him.

  Sing because He's singing over you!

Humility and the Harvest

"Yes! I did it, I did it!" I shouted at the first sight of little tomatoes on plants I had started from seed months ago. I felt so accomplished with an actual visual result of my hard work, something which can be hard to spot in the child-rearing industry. My 6-year-old caught me in my celebratory dance from across the yard and came walking over with a hand-on-the-hip, side-smirk in-tact, ready to dish out some truth.

"Mommm," she said with a slight roll of the eyes, "you didn't really do anything. God did."

She then explained to me I may have planted some seeds and added some water (when I remembered to), but asked me if I was the one to tell it to grow? I actually tried to defend my work trying to get a little more credit on my behalf, but she just looked back at me over the tops of her eyes as if to say "Come on, Mom" and all I could eventually do was laugh in humility. 

Now, later in the season and with a harvest this spoiled suburban gal didn't think was possible, I need to keep reminding myself of that simple correction from my daughter. Remembering that it's not about my doing, it's about God's doing, and in the moments I start taking credit when it's due to Him or try intervening my way where I know He has it handled, I need to take a big step back and remember, I really didn't do anything, and more importantly, I don't need to. Maybe God has a few seeds for me to plant here and there, maybe a little extra water and care can come from me, and I need to be ready for that, but when it comes to growth, when it comes to movement, when it comes to action, that may all be beyond me, and that is good!

When I put those seeds in the ground, I had to trust. Trust they would sprout. Trust they would grow. Trust they would produce something! (Btw, I'm in over my head with tomatoes at the moment!) But the main activity on my part that was required throughout that whole process was trust. 

I'm writing and sharing this to myself, perhaps to you too, reflecting on where I'm attempting to take control and credit over something that is His. Exhausting myself trying to tell something to grow when I've never had the power to do that anyway. Trust Him, trust His time, trust His ability, trust His heart. There is a harvest on the way, but it has little to do with me, and much to do with Him.

...In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life." ~James 1:21

I Need You Still

What with having a semi-needy newborn, a tornado of a 2 year-old, and a new home that I'm resolving to actually keep up with, I haven't been able to sit, gather up my mind, and write until now.
(Thank you two-hour delay and PBS!)
My time alone with my thoughts and my God has mostly been confined to 15-20 minutes before the sun's even up. But at least it's there. It's not pushed aside. Not ever again.

I have a confession and I could use the above reasons as an excuse, but I won't. Because I'm not confessing out of guilt, I'm confessing to remind myself never to let this happen again. I'm confessing to declare that I have needs. Big ones. Ones that I can not function, breathe, walk, especially parent, without.

I NEED GOD, I NEED HIS WORD, I NEED PRAYER. I still NEED it.

We moved a little over a month ago, right before Christmastime. It wasn't until after New Year's that I realized my go-to Bible was still packed away. My toaster was out and popping and my TV was fully functioning, but of the half a dozen boxes still left unopened was the one labeled "IMPORTANT" with my Book inside, closed.

With the holidays, our Bible Study was on vacation. With all the projects around the house, weekly prayer time with my hubby was pushed aside. With a baby shifting around my sleep, my early morning time with Him was traded in for more time with my sheets. Maybe my writer's block was due to lack of Word, not time.
And when the holidays came and went, and all 3 kids had been home for weeks, and the house still wasn't where I wanted it, and had almost no routine to lean on, and had hardly had any real talk with my husband, I lost it. Crumbled. Completely caved in to every pressure around me.

It took an emergency date night with my husband early this month and time away from the house, kids, etc. for me to wake up. My husband will confess right along side me (triangle, bam!) that we kidded ourselves, if just for a few weeks, that we could do this solo. Without the spiritual support of each other, but most importantly, without Him. We were see-you-on-Sunday followers.

When the world seems to be going swimmingly, blessings all around, we tend to forget our desperate state. But I want to be constantly desperate. Needy. For Him only. And intentional to fill that need daily. Not if I get to it. Not if she sleeps in today. Not if that project gets done. Everyday, needing Him and going. Running into His arms and filling myself up with His Love and Grace and Mercy and Truth and Joy and.... everything I need, in Him.

I won't be thirsty. I have a bubbling spring within me, I'm going to drink from it often. More than often. Now. Always. Every second. Sipping, gulping, slurping. And I have food. So much food! Food some know nothing about. My nourishment comes from doing His will. (John 4)

But you gotta check-in with the Boss to see what He has for you. Hallelujah, I'm here, I'm sorry, I need You still, as much as when I was broken on a dirty dorm floor, I need you now, on my newly cleaned kitchen floor, I need you just as much. 

And I won't forget it.

World's Best Boss

Baileigh is my little watchguard. She may be more on top of what Doug and I are up to than we are of her. I'm nervous this may translate into the playground tattletale in school next year, but for now she keeps watch on Mom and Dad with daily comments like:

"Guys, is this commercial appropriate?"

"Dad's been a bad example to you and now you're a bad example to Dougie. Stop drinking out of the container, Mom!"

(after catching me tap my hubby with a spatula as he walked by) "Mom, that's not for using with Daddy, only with pancakes!"

The name Baileigh (or Bailey) actually stems from the word "bailiff" which means a person who keeps order. Yep, that's her.

But honestly, she's the closest thing I have to a boss during the day. She's the one evaluating my work, demanding quickness and completion. I can laugh it off, and actually, I've always enjoyed having someone assess my work, so becoming a stay-at-home mom was originally a struggle for me, mainly for the fact that there was no A+ or red pen on my work that day. I can handle a 4-year-old as my watchdog, but I need to remember my Master is someone much greater.  

I'm looking to tattoo my toilet tank and stain my dish-washing window with the verse: "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." (Colossians 3:23).

So even if I did have a boss in this phase of life, my work and my day-to-day duties should be done as if Jesus himself was my superior. When I scrub a toilet til it's squeaky clean and someone comes in minutes later with an explosive episode... Breathe, it's alright, I'm working for the Lord, not for people. When my husband jokes that he never sees the kitchen sink empty, yet it's actually vacant 75 percent of the day (I'm tempted to send him daily pictures!) It's cool. I'm working for the Lord, He knows.

There are some days when I'm so filled with this truth and wake up excited to work for my Boss. But honestly, there are many other days where I ask, why the heck I am doing this again? It's gonna go unnoticed, what's the point. But that's not true. I want the truth. I want to work at everything I do with all my heart, like I am employed by the Lord. I want to gladly serve my Lord.

Similarly in 1 Peter 1:14-16, I'm reminded how to live and work.

"So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then.  But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.”

What is it that you want to give up on when no one's watching? What selfish, old way of living could you slip right back into? Laziness? Drunkeness? Fill in the blank. Maybe you didn't know any better then, that's my excuse and it's biblically justisfied! But not anymore, now I am called to live as God's obedient child. Because God is my Master, I must strive to work like my Boss. Because He is holy, I must strive to be holy. Because I know better now, I must not slip back into my own selfish ways. 

Whether you have a boss or not, work for the Lord above all else. Not because you have to impress Him, but because you absolutely want to. Reverently. Joyfully. Willingly. With all your heart. 

Complaint dept

Yesterday, I almost lost it. Baileigh has been in a terrible routine of whining and complaining. Her sock is on backwards, waaaaaa! She can't turn the water on, uhhhhhhh! She can't clean up the whooooole playroom by herself! I've been trying to let her take on some more responsibilities herself, but her attempt around it is melting into complete distress. I asked her to clean her own face before we left for the store several times yesterday and when we got there, I opened the van door to see her still messy face and said, "Fine. You won't do it yourself? I'll do it for you." And I licked my fingers and smudged them all over her face. (I wonder where she gets her dramatics from? Ooops. LOL) Of course, she burst into hysterical tears while I tried to give her a lesson outside the grocery store about listening the first time and doing it without whining and complaining. An old man walked out of the store right in the middle of my finger-to-the-face disciplining and starting laughing at the top of his lungs! Finally, he got close to us and said to me (still laughing) "What did you do to her? Ahahahaha!" Great. There goes that attempt, I thought while giving him an akward, half-smile, half-areyoukiddingme kind of face.
           

But later that day, before bedtime, I suggested Dad read the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt. "Really exaggerate the complaining," I whispered to him. So he did. She listened with attention and excitement. Initially, the Israelites sang a song of praise to God for all He had done for them. They were dancing, celebrating, and shouting thanks like, "Who is like you among the gods, O Lord—glorious in holiness, awesome in splendor, performing great wonders?" and "With your unfailing love you lead the people you have redeemed. In your might, you guide them to your sacred home." (Exodus 15: 11,13) But the thankful attitude didn't stick around for long. They quickly starting complaining. They were thirsty with no water, but when they finally came to an oasis in the dessert, they declared the water was too bitter to drink. After being of out Egypt for about a month, they really upped the whining. “If only the Lord had killed us back in Egypt,” they moaned. “There we sat around pots filled with meat and ate all the bread we wanted. But now you have brought us into this wilderness to starve us all to death.” (Exodus 16:3) Mind you, back in Egypt, they were slaves! Not to mention, God had just performed unimaginable miracles in order to free His people. But within weeks, they were throwing a pity party for themselves, with their thankfulness far behind them, nowhere to be found. They went from telling everyone that God is leading and guiding them with His unfailing love, to asking Moses with attitude and testing God saying, "Is the Lord with us here or not?" (Exodus 17:7)

After reading the story, Doug asked Baileigh what's been going on. She said softly, "Well, Mom's not helping me with anything."
He said to her, "Did you eat today?"
"Yea."
"Mom made all of it.  Did you wear clothes today?"
"Yea."
"Mom made sure they were clean for you.  Do you have a made bed to sleep in tonight?"
"Yea."
"Mom puts it back together for you."

She got the point. She was so stuck on what she wasn't getting, that she had lost all gratefulness for what Mom had done and is still doing for her. Same with the Israelites toward God. Same with all of us toward God. How many times do we grumble and complain against Him? I know how it feels as a mom; how do you think it makes our Heavenly Father feel? Is your complaint department overflowing with quick remarks "Are you even here God?" "I was better off before!" "Why don't You care about me?" "You're not helping me!" We can test Him and argue with Him and complain against Him like the Israelites did thousands of years ago. We can whine and offend His works and unfailing love, like a 4-year-old against her mom. How quickly we can forget all He's done for us! Or we can choose to focus on gratefulness. And if you're really stuck, we can all start with the lesson "Did you breathe today? God gave that to you."

"Do everything without complaining and arguing..."

~Philippians 2:14

Biblical Backtalk

Earlier today Baileigh decided to take her dozens of books off of the self and pile them all over her room, which was fine. But when I told her she couldn't watch a show until they were all put back, she looked at the huge mess surrounding her and said she couldn't do it by herself. I said, "You took them all out by yourself, so you can clean em all up by yourself," and I walked out of the room.



My 3-year-old calmly replied under her breath.. "But you're still supposed to treat people how you want to be treated. You need to help people like Jesus helped people. And I just need a little help." 

Touché little one. Not sure if she was manipulating her momma or I just got handed some truth from a preschooler. LOL  Thanks a lot Grace Lutheran Preschool  ;)

TMI

So the other night I caught my 3 year old daughter in the bathtub with cups suctioned to her chest. When I asked what on earth she was doing she said, "I'm pumpin my milk!" Lol 
I try to ask for privacy when I'm doing things like that, but it never works and obviously my little girl catches onto things quickly; the trouble is she likes to share her discoveries.

Ever since we brought home her little brother she has been very curious and filled with questions about the whole boy vs. girl thing. And since she is always over my shoulder, she couldn't help but make some obvious observations. So I explained as briefly as I could the difference between boys and girls. Of course I didn't use technical terms because my parenting style is the "I can't handle that yet" kind. (See Potty Talk post) But now my daughter loves to point out which of her classmates, adult friends, family members, random animals, etc. are what. I forgot to tell her that these kinds of topics should generally stay inside our house though.

Which leads us to a couple weeks ago at her preschool when the assistant teacher came out to tell me what happened. They were discussing the similarities and differences between pumpkins and apples.
Similarities like: they are both round, both make pies, both have seeds. Differences: One is orange and the other red or green, one grows on the ground and the other on trees.....


As they sat around in a circle the teacher then asked, "Can anyone else think of any other differences?"

My little girl proudly raised her hand and said, "Boys have wee-wees and girls have -"

"Oook," the teacher interrupted her and quickly diverted the little ones attentions to something else before anything got out of hand.


Well, at least my daughter understood my scholarly explanation of differences. I'll just remember to add a "don't talk about this at school" disclaimer to our next little birds and bees talk! :)

Potty Talk

Today I caught my almost 3-year-old daughter trying to straddle the toilet  (facing the tank). When I asked my very independent daughter what on earth she was doing she simply said,  

"I do like Daddy does."

So then I generally explained that only boys stand up and girls sit down and thats why we have separate bathrooms because we go potty differently (that's the best that came to me). While saying this, I couldn't help but remember my middle school health teacher who made us go around the classroom, one student at a time, and say "penis" and "vagina" out loud without giggling. Of course, it was far from successful. I still had a hard time just typing them lol. But then she frankly explained to us young, recently pupertized kids  "that's what they are called, get used to it, and be ready to tell your kids those two words the first time they ask".

Well as of now my daughter has a "pish-pish" and our on-the-way son will probably have a "wee wee". Maybe it's just me, but my daughter asks a lot of questions and shares her findings with the world, so I really don't think there is much need to go into anymore detail than "girls sit down, you're a girl, now sit down!" I'll leave the real words to be learned in health class.  :)