Raw Emotions

This past week brought an intricate range of emotion for me. From the sobs of a stormy viewing, to the heaviness of presenting a eulogy, to the reality of seeing your friend put in the ground. The smiles and hugs from old friends, to the refreshing introduction of brand-new friends. The kind, appreciative words from grieving parents, to the abundance of hilarious words from my children this week. Tears, smiles, trembling, embracing, weeping, laughing. All of it at once.

This week was a whirlwind of ups and downs. It was exhausting for sure, but it can be appreciated at the same time. Just the realization that we have the ability to feel all these things, even contrasting emotions simultaneously. "It's happy that Drew's in heaven, but sad his family won't see him for one hundred million weeks," my preschooler explained to me last night. But what a reminder that as humans we have both overflowing joys and deep burdens in our hearts, and the capacity to experience them. God uniquely created us to feel these things. And not to numb them like we can so easily try to do, but to bring them to Him with thanks or with tears, or better yet - with both. One of the most powerful verses, and yet the shortest in the entire Bible is John 11:35 "Jesus wept."  
God knows our emotion, yet at the same time, He wants us to tell Him about it and lay it at His feet. Happy, sad, pissed, giddy. All of it.

I've said before that writing is a form of self-teaching for me, the organizing of my own thoughts and emotions into complete sentences. Yet I think I underestimated the power taking time to read what I had poured out. Perhaps it felt prideful or even embarrassing if I thought too much about my writing and the idea that people are actually reading all this. Yet over the last week, I've received such an outpouring from others who were encouraged or comforted by reading my words, so I decided to go back and actually read what I had to say over the last couple years.

I learned two things from this: the best reminders and encouragements can come from your own experiences, and I really like the Psalms! I realized I had quoted the Psalms in at least ten different posts; they were all different verses in different contexts dealing with all sorts of emotions. The Book of Psalms in the Old Testament is smack in the middle of the Bible and was historically written by David, the King of Israel around 1000 BC. It is filled with poems to God, simply pouring out his varying, day-to-day, raw emotions of life. This is why I love them so much. Even though they were written about 3,000 years ago, they are entirely applicable and perfectly relatable today. It ranges from beautiful songs of praise and joy, to cries of pain and questions of why. It is a perfect place to start if you've never opened a Bible before, and an awesome place to return to for those more familiar. Just the realness of it is encouraging. Perhaps that's why some have also found comfort in what I have to say, because it's real, just my life, but it is laced with God's truth.

This week I experienced just about every emotion under the sun, but God is right there with us, like a friend holding our hand in all of it. It's overwhelming to think about, but comforting to know that He knows our hearts and everything inside of them. To quote another Psalm "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!" -Psalm 139:6 
Like it says, I might not be able to truly wrap my head around this reality of such a personal, loving God, but even still, I can be comforted, hopeful, and thankful for a God who knows my emotions, especially in weeks like these.

What a Life

I had the most sound, peaceful sleep last night. Not that I didn't cry throughout the day yesterday, I did. I cried, prayed, yelled, even threw some things (not proud of that). But last night when I went to bed, a little early, even for me, it was easy to fall asleep and stay asleep, probably for the first time in months. My good friend has been struggling and fighting hard, but recently only life support was keeping him going. He passed yesterday afternoon. And please, I don't want to diminish in anyway what the Endicott family has been and is going through now, but I can only give my own experience.


And as for me, last night I didn't keep my phone on extra loud right by my ear checking every little buzz and light with fear. I didn't toss and turn thinking of the condition that my friend was struggling against. I didn't stare at the wall terrified of the anxieties that might have been consuming his thoughts. I didn't argue with God late into the night. At 9:30 pm, I said "Amen" and was thankful, even slightly joyful that my friend was with the Lord at last. Then I fell asleep.


 Drew's last words to me a couple months ago were, "I'm so proud of you michelle, what a life you must have."

I cried when he told me that, and I cry now and every time I read it. But I'm so thankful that my good friend left me with that encouragement. Some mornings, for no reason at all, I lay in bed until I absolutely can't anymore. Until the face poking and crying through the walls can't possibly continue or until my husband rips the sheets off of me and turns on every single light. But My God, what a life I have! First of all, I can get out of my bed and stand up on my two feet! Praise the Lord. Then I have two beautiful children who can't wait to see me every morning! Thank you, Jesus. And then I have a husband who stands as my earthly rock everyday. A husband who sends me gorgeous flowers on my birthday and who hurries home from work just to hold me while my mascara runs all over his shirt. Hallelujah. And I have my Savior, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my Fortress, my Father who loves me and walks with me every single day into eternity.

What a life I DO have! Thank you Drew for just reminding me.

I want to live out the days the Lord has given me with gladness. I truly want to live His will for my life; I can't do that if I cling to my sheets every morning. What about you.. what needs to come or go in order to live God's fullest plan for your life? Keep turning to Him and ask Him, He'll tell you and help you.
And remember what a life you have.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;    
     my body also will rest secure

                                                                                   ~Psalm 16:8-9


Rest in God's Peace, Drew. Thanks for being such a friend.

Crazy Hope & Crazy Peace

To me, writing serves as personal reflection, self-teaching, and even prayer. It takes all my chaotic dancing thoughts out of my brain and lines them up for me to see. And if my thoughts can encourage or lift someone along with me, then that's just awesome.

I haven't been able to write in months, not because my mind's been empty, but simply because my husband hijacked my laptop to another state. It's been since June, but I was finally reunited with it this week. Ironically, the last few months have probably been the biggest whirlwind of emotion for me in years. So it probably saved you all a million boo-hoo blogs :)  But without a laptop on hand, I was forced to go directly to the Father without much chance of collecting and organizing my thoughts. So many of my prayers these last couple months came out only as eloquent cries of "WHY!?" 

But at the end of the day, I probably won't know that answer, maybe not at the end of the month, or even my lifetime. But regardless, we need to hope and trust in God's will. It's good and perfect! (Romans 12:2) We aren't. Even our best intentions or most beautiful hopes can not compare to His big-picture purposes. But even with His grand, incomprehensible will in mind, He still cares about our hearts and what we're asking for. Psalm 37:4 - "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." 


But notice how that's not the other way around, it's not...when he gives you the desires of your heart, then take delight in Him, right? We are to praise Him and trust Him with delight, even in the midst of chaos, before we have an outcome. I told you writing is my way of teaching and reminding myself, so I'm right there with you, it's not easy! But He's got us in his arms and we need to find peace in that. Peace that no matter what, He's got it. But for me, it's been finding some balance between having crazy hope in what can happen and crazy peace with whatever happens. We need both...Hope & Peace - simultaneously. And in Christ's arms, we are given that always. I want to take delight in that everyday, no matter the circumstance around me and praise Him in advance for my hopes and His promised peace.

Praise the Lord; praise God our savior!  
For each day he carries us in his arms. (Psalm 68:19 NLT)