More (grace) Than I Can Handle

Our kitchen is under construction, we're picking out splinters from a plywood floor for now and our groceries are thrown into a rubbermaid.
My son only wants to wear underwear and eats twice as often as the average 3 year old.
My 6 year old has been on a jeans strike for over 2 years now, also uncomfortable socks, tights, or sweaters make her squirm and scream in protest.
My one year old is walking now, splashing in the toilet and finding nails to play with in our construction zone are some of her favorite activities.
This latest pregnancy has me on limited activity...no vacuuming, no carrying baskets full of laundry, no exercise. "Don't be lifting up your kids," warns the doctor as I try not to laugh.
I hoard stuff in our minivan... when I don't, I have nothing that I need. So it's not unusual to sit on cushions of jackets and coupons.

Getting a visual yet?

More than I can handle. Way more...


So, when I tried to get in touch with someone to confirm an order yesterday for the fourth consecuitive day and she finally answered the phone seemingly annoyed to talk to me, I wasn't thrilled.
Then I heard her yell, "Stop pushing the buttons on the dryer, the clothes are trying to dry!!!"

And I smiled.

"Sorry, I have three kids," she said, "and I try to do this work from home. And it's kind of hard sometimes."

"Then we're in the same boat!" I said. "I have three also, a fourth on the way, and attempt to work a little from home. It's difficult, really difficult."

Her audible sigh of relief to have someone on the same page as her was just as comforting to me.

"This IS difficult. It really is!" she confessed back.

We stopped the business talk for a moment and went over the ages, genders of our kids. There was only a difference of months with each. She confided in me that her youngest was completely unexpected and was born with abnormalities, mostly cosmetic, but also indirectly affecting typical day-to-day stuff.

I listened and empathized as this stranger poured it all out to me, tears behind her phone.

Then she stopped herself and surprised me by declaring, "But the Lord gave us this baby. And really, he's healthy otherwise. I just keep reminding myself over and over that the Lord wouldn't give me more than I can handle."

I gently responded, "Can I tell you something... I hear you, but I think we really like to misuse that verse. With Him, we won't be tempted more than we can handle. But if we were only given circumstances that we could handle, we really wouldn't need Him right?"

"Yes. Yes! And I'm leaning into Him now more than ever."


We talked some more about our kids and eventually got to the business end of things, running numbers and specifics. She said, "Can I ask you something... how are you even doing this right now?"

I said, "Well, I buckled all of my kids into the minivan and pulled into a parking lot to have this conversation with you."

We both laughed and she actually thanked me, saying she'll have this conversation to think on when the moments get tough.

---

I know I've been given more than I can handle...but I'm so glad I have Him, who will never leave or forsake me in my mess, and who has surely poured on me more Grace than I can bear!


"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  -Deuteronomy 31:6

Staying in the Fence

Today the kiddos and I went for a walk around our new block. Despite the freezing weather, I bundled everyone up to get a dose of some fresh air and sunshine. We saw horses, an old general store turned pizza shop, an antiquated little church, the elementary school Baileigh will be going to next year, a big frozen lake, and an adorable dog in a sweater. We had deep talks about kindergarten expectations, educational lessons on hibernation and migration, and inquiries about shock collars and electric fences. She noticed that the cute, clothed dog we saw only came so far. She could tell he wanted to come see us, but he didn't. She asked why and I told her that his collar was like the silver string around the horses fence that can buzz if they go too far; it keeps them safe inside. She said,



"Oh I get it, it's just because their owner doesn't want them to get lost." 

What a beautiful image of God my daughter gave me in that moment. I thought about the fences and how they are just like the protective guidelines our Father gives us. Not to hurt us, or because He doesn't want us to have any fun, but simply because our Owner doesn't want us to get lost. He knows if we cross the line that He's established for us, we'll end up hurting ourselves and wandering farther and farther away from Him.

I had in my mind a story from Baileigh's children's Bible that Doug had read to her last night and our walk gave me the metaphor I needed to keep it on my mind and store it in my heart. It says "Now some people think the Bible is a book of rules, telling you what you should and shouldn't do. The Bible certainly does have some rules in it. They show you how life works best." Just like the fence where the owner has the animals best interest in mind and obviously hopes to keep them close by, God uses His "rules" as a protective fence showing us how life works best, and He would know, considering He created it. It's all about His best for us and what He originally intended, before we ran off like a defiant pet. The story reminds us though that the main character of the Bible isn't the defiant pet, it's the Owner. "But the Bible isn't mainly about you and what you should be doing. It's about God and what He has done...No, the Bible isn't a book of rules...the Bible is most of all a Story...There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves His children and comes to rescue them.*"

Just like the owner that loves their animal, God set up a fence. We broke right through it and ran off, not realizing how much it would hurt. But like any good owner would do, God came running after us, not stopping until He found us; He went to every length possible to rescue us. Our Owner doesn't want us to be lost, so why won't we just stay, obey, and trust Him. God used a 4-year-old (again), a shock collar, and a children's book to speak into my heart today. What about you..



*The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones

What a Life

I had the most sound, peaceful sleep last night. Not that I didn't cry throughout the day yesterday, I did. I cried, prayed, yelled, even threw some things (not proud of that). But last night when I went to bed, a little early, even for me, it was easy to fall asleep and stay asleep, probably for the first time in months. My good friend has been struggling and fighting hard, but recently only life support was keeping him going. He passed yesterday afternoon. And please, I don't want to diminish in anyway what the Endicott family has been and is going through now, but I can only give my own experience.


And as for me, last night I didn't keep my phone on extra loud right by my ear checking every little buzz and light with fear. I didn't toss and turn thinking of the condition that my friend was struggling against. I didn't stare at the wall terrified of the anxieties that might have been consuming his thoughts. I didn't argue with God late into the night. At 9:30 pm, I said "Amen" and was thankful, even slightly joyful that my friend was with the Lord at last. Then I fell asleep.


 Drew's last words to me a couple months ago were, "I'm so proud of you michelle, what a life you must have."

I cried when he told me that, and I cry now and every time I read it. But I'm so thankful that my good friend left me with that encouragement. Some mornings, for no reason at all, I lay in bed until I absolutely can't anymore. Until the face poking and crying through the walls can't possibly continue or until my husband rips the sheets off of me and turns on every single light. But My God, what a life I have! First of all, I can get out of my bed and stand up on my two feet! Praise the Lord. Then I have two beautiful children who can't wait to see me every morning! Thank you, Jesus. And then I have a husband who stands as my earthly rock everyday. A husband who sends me gorgeous flowers on my birthday and who hurries home from work just to hold me while my mascara runs all over his shirt. Hallelujah. And I have my Savior, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my Fortress, my Father who loves me and walks with me every single day into eternity.

What a life I DO have! Thank you Drew for just reminding me.

I want to live out the days the Lord has given me with gladness. I truly want to live His will for my life; I can't do that if I cling to my sheets every morning. What about you.. what needs to come or go in order to live God's fullest plan for your life? Keep turning to Him and ask Him, He'll tell you and help you.
And remember what a life you have.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;    
     my body also will rest secure

                                                                                   ~Psalm 16:8-9


Rest in God's Peace, Drew. Thanks for being such a friend.

Biblical Backtalk

Earlier today Baileigh decided to take her dozens of books off of the self and pile them all over her room, which was fine. But when I told her she couldn't watch a show until they were all put back, she looked at the huge mess surrounding her and said she couldn't do it by herself. I said, "You took them all out by yourself, so you can clean em all up by yourself," and I walked out of the room.



My 3-year-old calmly replied under her breath.. "But you're still supposed to treat people how you want to be treated. You need to help people like Jesus helped people. And I just need a little help." 

Touché little one. Not sure if she was manipulating her momma or I just got handed some truth from a preschooler. LOL  Thanks a lot Grace Lutheran Preschool  ;)

Running with the Rugrats

Today I woke up to see sun peaking through the clouds and hear robins chirping out back and I actually had a desire to go for a run. Now while I might enjoy exercising and teaching classes, I would never ever dare call myself a "runner". But with the gym not an option because of spring break (yes, our whole town likes to shut down when Penn State does) and my husband out of the house before 7 a.m. today, I knew I had to tow two kids along if I was going to make this happen. And miraculously enough, I learned exercising with two is possible, perhaps not ideal, but somewhat feasible. I strapped my 6-month old in the jogging stroller, threw sneakers on my 3-year-old and said, "Let's go!"

In Walmart, Baileigh seems to have no problem sprinting 30 yards ahead of me the whole time, yet when I ask her to run in front of me, her legs only seem to work in short bursts followed by cries for mercy (and water) LOL. But then I grabbed her arm with one hand and pushed the stroller with the other and we laughed and jogged along for almost a mile. On the way back we stopped at a small park and she climbed the rock wall while I did walking lunges around her and used the park bench for push-ups and tricep dips. I probably looked ridiculous, but I managed to get a little sweat goin. Baileigh made it up to the top of the rock wall and I asked what she could see up there, expecting an answer like "some mountains" or "lots of cars". But she yelled with excitement "I see some mulch!!" Haha.

The three of us made it back home with just a few tears over a scraped knee, but no serious meltdowns, no screaming fits, no blown-out diapers. Just lots of giggles and a decent workout. I don't know if this means that this could become a regular part of our routine or if it means I should just hold on to this lovely memory and not push my luck ever again. But I do know my excuse of not being able to workout without a gym or a babysitter has been proven wrong to me today.
Crap   :)

Childlike Faith

At her preschool last week, my 3-year-old daughter did a project where they explained to their teacher what they thought Jesus might look like. Many kids said like a "baby in a manger" or like "my daddy." My little girl had much to share about this topic. She filled the page and said:

"Jesus looks like a big, strong man. He is tall. He is short. He changes colors. And he makes earthquakes and the ground shake."

I saw it on the wall and thought with a proud smile, "Wow! That's my kid." Immediately I started thinking of scripture that supported my daughter's explanation. The Lord is strong and mighty, says the Psalms. The Gospels tell the story of Jesus coming to earth as a baby, and dying on the cross as a man - tall AND short! He changes colors? Yes, He did! "As he (Jesus) was praying the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightening," says the Gospel of Luke. And Hebrews 12:24 says... "At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, 'Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.' " It's all accounted for! :)

Then I looked at the picture. Up until a week or so ago, my little one's doodles were entirely undecipherable. But this was actually clear to me, looking from the side, I saw Jesus with long hair, on or next to a cross, with rainbows over Him. Rainbows... God's symbol to Noah as a reminder of His promise. Also, the Book of Revelation describes the one who sits on the throne like this: "And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne." Maybe that big green circle with two legs is even a throne!?? Haha! I stood in amazement over my daughter's spiritual gift, taking some credit for sharing simplified bible stories with her and telling her how much Jesus loved her. But never, ever had I gone as far as to suggest anything close to this.

I proudly texted my husband about it, and then my daughter explained her project to me. She spoke in an extremely nonchalant and matter-of-fact kind of way. Almost like saying, "Duh, Mom!" And then I realized... bigger than my proud mommy heart, bigger than any kind of "gift" my munchkin might possibly have, is my daughter's faith - her unshakable CHILDLIKE FAITH.

The beautiful story of Jesus and the little children goes like this - People were bringing their kids to sit with Jesus. Some told them to get away, but Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Then Jesus embraced and blessed them. (from Mark 10:14-16)

Jesus was suggesting that we must believe in Him like children believe - with wonder, excitement, and full-blown trust. Not like adults full with reason, pride, and suspicion. Believe with a childlike faith and when the question arises "But how do you know it's true?" you can respond like my little girl and simply think to yourself, "Duh!"  :)