Wailing to Dancing

"I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; He saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; He surrounds and defends all who fear him." ~Psalm 34:4-7


It's been a month now since Doug and I lost our little one. I'd be well into my second-trimester by now. Probably with a name picked out already, and maternity jeans starting to reappear in my closet. I'd be sure to do my chest presses and crunches on an incline and stay far away from my favorite peppermint mochas and sushi. But our date night last week ended at our favorite sushi spot and I got my first Starbucks of the season this weekend - bittersweet. I haven't had it in me yet to put away the pre-natal vitamins and my whole winter wardrobe still consists of beautifully bulky, high-waisted sweaters that I treated myself to when we found out we were expecting. The little things. Things I wouldn't have given any thought to before all this, set off the aches and involuntary tears.


When I went to the OB/GYN for my follow-up check a few days ago, I looked around in the waiting room and found myself surrounded by pregnant women and their anxious husbands. I even had to let one woman go before me in line because she was clearly overdue and obviously uncomfortable. I felt my face starting to burn up, heated with the overwhelming desire to feel the awkward agony that this 40-week pregnant mother was feeling. Oh what I would do to have that beautiful distress. My eyes welled up, but I managed to hold them back. Then the nurses smiled and welcomed me until they read my file, and then things quickly turned solemn with a lot of "I'm sorry for your loss" type things. As it's standard to do, I had to pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. "Think of it just for laughs," the doctor said. But I wasn't laughing. At the end of it all, the doctor told me everything was perfectly healed and my body seemed "ready again."  "You can start trying whenever you want now," she said. Surprisingly, I didn't feel happy about that at all. I was glad she deemed me "normal", but I was prepared to wait months like the hospital had told me. But now we're actually talking about another baby? What about this baby? The one I just lost. The one I'm mourning over still...that's what I want to talk about. I felt like an insane person about to cry over seemingly good news - emotions ricocheting and even contradicting each other, like only a woman's mind can do.

Before the miscarriage, I asked God to guard, surround, and defend my little baby. But like the Psalm above said, I also asked Him to free me from my fears. And when my fear came to pass, in my desperation, I prayed His Word through tears, "Hear me God and be merciful to me; Oh Lord BE MY HELP. Turn my wailing into dancing, remove my sackcloth and clothe me with joy, so my heart can sing to you and not be silent, giving thanks to you forever." (from Psalm 30:10-12)


Even though my hot tears fell again late last night at the realization that a month has passed and I still miss and ache for this baby immensely, but with God as my help, there has been much joy. Over and over, God has reminded me that through Him, I will meet this baby and my family will all be reunited in completeness and perfection one day. He has placed people and their shared experiences before me that have comforted and amazed me. And I have a new appreciation for my husband who not only took care of every physical need around me, but also tended to my heart like it was his full-time job. Such joy. And through all this, Doug's been creating a beautifully carved wooden frame for weeks now to showcase our baby's ultrasound and heartbeat image; it's nearly finished. Not to mention, we finally have found a home. We've been given the opportunity to rent an old farmhouse complete with horses for neighbors, a wrap-around porch, and plenty of room for our kids to play and grow. Amazingly, we should be moved in by next week! I am so looking forward to hanging our memorial frame in the playroom, alongside of pictures of Baileigh and Dougie. Turning my wailing into dancing, removing my tattered sackcloth and dressing me in joy. My heart will not be silent. I will sing - forever.

What are you thankful for...

I am thankful...

 for my baby brother,

 for all the animals,

for the wind on a hot day,

 that God made everyone super beautiful,

 for Aunt Missy coming to visit,

 that God doesn't change,

 for playing outside in the sun,

for being allowed to ask questions.

-Baileigh Umbehauer, 2012

Thanksgiving 2011 post - 24/7 thanksgiving

Home Sweet Home

In this season, for the first time in my life, my only job, my full-time endeavor, is being a household manager (aka: stay-at-home momma). Ironically, our family is living with Mima and Pipa at the moment, without a place to call our own. Just days before closing on a house this summer, our mortgage fell through with no chance of reapplying for at least 6 months. Our old place was packed and ready to go before it all fell through, but we put it all in a POD and now everything we own is sitting in the driveway at my in-laws. We are so grateful for being able to stay here while we sort everything out. However, I can't help but to be reminded everyday that the time I decided to be "home" completely full-time, we're without an actual home.

We've all heard the saying or have a grandma-embroidered hankie declaring "Home is where the heart is", but this phrase has rung more true to me in the last few months than ever before. Between being forbade the opportunity to own a home right now, to swallowing our pride and moving back in with our parents, to losing a great friend, to watching houses foreclose all around us, to losing a baby we'll never meet here on Earth - my idea of "home" and what that actually means has slowly been reconfigured. Our hope, our happiness, our peace, can't be found in walls or property or anything else in this world. There's so much more.

Because of this transitional period, at the last minute and with some dragging of feet, we decided it'd be best if I home-schooled Baileigh this year (more like home-preschooled). While it's only ABC's and 123's at this point in her academic career, this was never something I desired to do, or really even gave much thought. But she and I both would tell you it has been great. At our small, Christian academy in the dining room, she does all the fundamentals, but also memorizes a Bible verse and a praise song every month. Our first month here, she was confused, waiting to move to this new house she thought we had bought. So we focused on the theme of "home" in September and what the Bible says about it. Just the other day, while I was considering the rent vs. own arguments, I said to Baileigh with all seriousness, "what was that bible verse you learned a couple months ago about the house of the Lord?" " It's Psalm 23, verse 6, Mom!" she shouted from the other room. I opened up my Bible and laughed out loud when I saw she had it exactly right. And then I read it...

"Surely your goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

    forever."

I wish I could give you my big AHA moment on it, but to be honest, I'm still working on it. I hinted to it with my last post, trying to wrap my head around losing our unborn baby, and I try to teach my four-year-old the big-picture, but my troubled adult mind reminds me of all sorts of doubts and worries. How quickly I forget. But here is a prayer I wrote months ago during our transition attempting to overrule my concerns through the Word of God-


"No matter where I go, You and Your goodness, love, and blessing come with me, now and for the rest of my life. And from now until eternity, YOU ARE MY HOME and my hope. YOU are what fills my cup, and it overflows because of your love...Lord, you've taught me through this obstacle that it doesn't matter where we physically call home. What town, what state, rent vs. own, or even living with our parents. It's been humbling and eye-opening, but at the end of the day, our hope, and rest, and confidence are in You and not where we live..." 

This was a moment of clarity for me that came only after going over Psalm 23 over and over again at home-preschool. And honestly, it flees from me so easily. So I'm writing it again, reading it again, praying it again, and even sharing it now, until I can declare it daily, sincerely, whole-heartedly. My dwelling place is in the Lord, and that's good enough for me!  

You made me

I am writing right now alone in my bed, with no kids running around or even a hungry husband asking me every 2 hours what we have to eat. It's nice and quiet, I have some time to be with my thoughts and with the Lord, but it's not the typical kind of "mommy time" I desire.

Late Thursday night, Doug and I headed over to the Emergency Room; everything is "fine" now, but I have to take it easy and recover with some good old-fashioned rest. Thankfully my husband took over all of my daily duties for now and seems to be holding up alright, but I'm up here alone in bed, grateful for the break, but almost wishing I had some things to busy me right now...

Just a few weeks ago, Doug came home from work and I told him there was something on my stomach I really wanted him to take a look at. He nervously lifted my shirt and saw written across belly in eyeliner "Baby #3" with hearts all around. He was so excited, we were overjoyed. The next week I had an ultrasound and was able to see our beautiful baby's heartbeat - but the doctor was confused because they saw other stuff in there along with the baby. Tumors, masses, polyps, bleeding? They weren't sure what to call it. So the doctor just said keep coming in every 2 weeks and we'll keep an eye on the baby's heartbeat and just make sure everything is OK. We were a little scared, but my husband was sharing scriptures with me like "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14) and "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act." (Psalm 37:7) So that's all that we could do...wait. And our kind of waiting is hopeful, prayerful, confident. Worry creeps in, sure, but we have such a Hope.

So we waited and prayed and thanked God for this life that was inside me. "Right now, we have a baby," we said. "This moment, we have 3 kids and we can be glad for that!" We knew this baby already had a unique genetic blueprint, DNA present for several weeks now that would determine every characteristic this child would have all the way into adulthood, not to mention a strong, beating heart apart from mine that I got to see with my own eyes! It was amazing because it was life, and life is something to be celebrated. So we did, but I asked Doug to please keep it quiet until the next ultrasound, for my own piece of mind. So as difficult as it was, we didn't tell our observant 4-year-old or most family and friends, but still, we were so happy and so in love already.

This Thursday, though, less than a week before my next follow-up ultrasound, I started bleeding. It started out so slight, but when I went to bed that night, it had turned intense, even accompanied by the familiar feeling of early labor contractions. "I think we need to go to the hospital," I said to my husband around 11 pm. We made arrangements for the kids and quickly left, we prayed together in the parking lot, and headed in. After settling in at the ER, I felt the known feeling of downward pressure followed by a natural push. I wasn't sure of it when it was happening, but soon found I had delivered my baby completely on my own - just way earlier than I had ever wanted to. I cried and cried as I watched the nurses put my helpless tiny baby in what looked like a plastic take-out container to be sent out to a lab somewhere. After spending the entire night in the hospital with tests and ultrasounds, it was finally confirmed that I had a spontaneous, complete miscarriage. We were sent home, babyless, around 6 a.m.

So that brings me back to right now, alone in bed, just writing, trying to get my own head around it all and trying to hear God's Word in it all...that's just how I do things. I was randomly e-mailed this Bible verse this morning,

"The Lord will work out his plans for my life-

    for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
    Don’t abandon me, for you made me." ~Psalm 138:8

People have tried to encourage me by saying similar things, like everything happens for a reason or it was meant to be, and while essentially I believe this (see Romans 8:28), my eye was caught on the last part, not thinking of myself, but of my baby "Don't abandon me, for you made me." We have that promise that our God, our Maker, won't abandon us. I believe that for my baby too and I imagine that being the prayer of her heart, "Dear God, don't leave me, You made me." And I imagine God comforting her and holding her and assuring her that she will see her earthly mommy and daddy one day soon. 

 ..............

Doug and I are hurting right now, but we know so many other people have experienced this same kind of hurt, and while I wasn't sure if I was going to share any of this at all, if I could just encourage one person today who has quietly been hurting or struggling with losing a child this way, then this moment of vulnerability is completely worth it. And in the midst of this seemingly never-ending storm of a season for me, I know that God is still there and this is what I want to remember above everything else:

 The one thing I ask of the Lord—
    the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
    delighting in the Lord’s perfections
    and meditating in his Temple.
 For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
    he will hide me in his sanctuary.
    He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
Then I will hold my head high
    above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
    singing and praising the Lord with music.

                                                                ~Psalm 27:4-6

the Perfect bag

This past summer I was asked to teach dance at a Christian sports camp. Right up my alley, I thought. No problem. I choreographed a fun jazz dance to a praise song, refreshed myself with a little technique, and gathered up some music. Easy. Then I realized I'd also have to be talking to these mostly 8-11 year-old girls about Jesus. Man, I thought, what if someone had talked to me about Jesus during those years, how different my life might have been! What hurt my heart might have been saved from. I would have heard about love in a whole different light - a love that wasn't interested in make-up or mini skirts, but a Love that already was in place and could replace all of that! Instead though, that age was a turning point  in the wrong direction for me. I'm able to look back now and be grateful for my past, with all its hurt and struggle, but only because it eventually  led to perseverance, character, and hope for me (Romans 5:3-5). Yet at the same time, I couldn't help but to think about the impact Jesus could make on these young girls at this crucial time.

Mine happens to be a diaper bag  :)

So one of the days at camp we were to discuss with our groups the importance of Jesus in our individual lives. How could I explain this in a way that young, impressionable girls might be able to relate to? I didn't want to give them the details of my personal story - too much for a little girl to handle. I could just imagine the phone calls of parents coming in the next day LOL. But as I was packing my bag that day, a perfect teeny-bopper-sized analogy of my testimony came to mind. Even now, it's a perfect reminder for myself every time I pack my purse.



I told the girls that I was first introduced to Jesus right after turning 14. At that time, I was a busy young woman. Dance, school, plays, more dance, friends, boys, and dance filled my schedule. I told them to imagine their favorite purse. And if life was this adorable bag, then I had all of my interests and activities already thrown into my big bag of life at age 14. So when I heard about Jesus, and liked it, and started going to church, I simply threw Him and church in my bag with everything else that was already in there. He was in there definitely, I said, but sometimes I couldn't get to Him with all the other stuff on top. He definitely got a little smooshed by all those activities, especially the Sunday rehearsals, and sometimes was close to being crushed altogether by the friends, parties, and boys that were overflowing from my bag.

The girls got this! We passed an empty tote around and they each shared all the stuff that fills their cute, little girl, "life bags." They laughed and smiled. But then I told them that as I got older and experienced some challenging things, I realized that Jesus can't just be thrown into our bags like all our other interests and activities. Jesus needs to BE THE BAG - the Protector, the Vessel, the Life. HE holds all of it in place and we need to trust Him to carry it all. Everything in our lives needs to find it's place in this Perfect purse we're given. But also, sometimes a girl has just gotta clean out her stuff! Get rid of the junk, so that she can use and appreciate her beautiful Bag.

1 Corinthians chapter 8 verse 6 reminds us: "yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live; and there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live." And so we choose Him and trust Him to carry all of our stuff - in every outfit, in every season, every day - our Perfect bag.

It made sense to a bunch of little girls, and again to me this morning. Maybe it did for you too and every time you grab your bag on your way out-the-door, you can remember who's really holding it all together :)

Raw Emotions

This past week brought an intricate range of emotion for me. From the sobs of a stormy viewing, to the heaviness of presenting a eulogy, to the reality of seeing your friend put in the ground. The smiles and hugs from old friends, to the refreshing introduction of brand-new friends. The kind, appreciative words from grieving parents, to the abundance of hilarious words from my children this week. Tears, smiles, trembling, embracing, weeping, laughing. All of it at once.

This week was a whirlwind of ups and downs. It was exhausting for sure, but it can be appreciated at the same time. Just the realization that we have the ability to feel all these things, even contrasting emotions simultaneously. "It's happy that Drew's in heaven, but sad his family won't see him for one hundred million weeks," my preschooler explained to me last night. But what a reminder that as humans we have both overflowing joys and deep burdens in our hearts, and the capacity to experience them. God uniquely created us to feel these things. And not to numb them like we can so easily try to do, but to bring them to Him with thanks or with tears, or better yet - with both. One of the most powerful verses, and yet the shortest in the entire Bible is John 11:35 "Jesus wept."  
God knows our emotion, yet at the same time, He wants us to tell Him about it and lay it at His feet. Happy, sad, pissed, giddy. All of it.

I've said before that writing is a form of self-teaching for me, the organizing of my own thoughts and emotions into complete sentences. Yet I think I underestimated the power taking time to read what I had poured out. Perhaps it felt prideful or even embarrassing if I thought too much about my writing and the idea that people are actually reading all this. Yet over the last week, I've received such an outpouring from others who were encouraged or comforted by reading my words, so I decided to go back and actually read what I had to say over the last couple years.

I learned two things from this: the best reminders and encouragements can come from your own experiences, and I really like the Psalms! I realized I had quoted the Psalms in at least ten different posts; they were all different verses in different contexts dealing with all sorts of emotions. The Book of Psalms in the Old Testament is smack in the middle of the Bible and was historically written by David, the King of Israel around 1000 BC. It is filled with poems to God, simply pouring out his varying, day-to-day, raw emotions of life. This is why I love them so much. Even though they were written about 3,000 years ago, they are entirely applicable and perfectly relatable today. It ranges from beautiful songs of praise and joy, to cries of pain and questions of why. It is a perfect place to start if you've never opened a Bible before, and an awesome place to return to for those more familiar. Just the realness of it is encouraging. Perhaps that's why some have also found comfort in what I have to say, because it's real, just my life, but it is laced with God's truth.

This week I experienced just about every emotion under the sun, but God is right there with us, like a friend holding our hand in all of it. It's overwhelming to think about, but comforting to know that He knows our hearts and everything inside of them. To quote another Psalm "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!" -Psalm 139:6 
Like it says, I might not be able to truly wrap my head around this reality of such a personal, loving God, but even still, I can be comforted, hopeful, and thankful for a God who knows my emotions, especially in weeks like these.

What a Life

I had the most sound, peaceful sleep last night. Not that I didn't cry throughout the day yesterday, I did. I cried, prayed, yelled, even threw some things (not proud of that). But last night when I went to bed, a little early, even for me, it was easy to fall asleep and stay asleep, probably for the first time in months. My good friend has been struggling and fighting hard, but recently only life support was keeping him going. He passed yesterday afternoon. And please, I don't want to diminish in anyway what the Endicott family has been and is going through now, but I can only give my own experience.


And as for me, last night I didn't keep my phone on extra loud right by my ear checking every little buzz and light with fear. I didn't toss and turn thinking of the condition that my friend was struggling against. I didn't stare at the wall terrified of the anxieties that might have been consuming his thoughts. I didn't argue with God late into the night. At 9:30 pm, I said "Amen" and was thankful, even slightly joyful that my friend was with the Lord at last. Then I fell asleep.


 Drew's last words to me a couple months ago were, "I'm so proud of you michelle, what a life you must have."

I cried when he told me that, and I cry now and every time I read it. But I'm so thankful that my good friend left me with that encouragement. Some mornings, for no reason at all, I lay in bed until I absolutely can't anymore. Until the face poking and crying through the walls can't possibly continue or until my husband rips the sheets off of me and turns on every single light. But My God, what a life I have! First of all, I can get out of my bed and stand up on my two feet! Praise the Lord. Then I have two beautiful children who can't wait to see me every morning! Thank you, Jesus. And then I have a husband who stands as my earthly rock everyday. A husband who sends me gorgeous flowers on my birthday and who hurries home from work just to hold me while my mascara runs all over his shirt. Hallelujah. And I have my Savior, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my Fortress, my Father who loves me and walks with me every single day into eternity.

What a life I DO have! Thank you Drew for just reminding me.

I want to live out the days the Lord has given me with gladness. I truly want to live His will for my life; I can't do that if I cling to my sheets every morning. What about you.. what needs to come or go in order to live God's fullest plan for your life? Keep turning to Him and ask Him, He'll tell you and help you.
And remember what a life you have.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;    
     my body also will rest secure

                                                                                   ~Psalm 16:8-9


Rest in God's Peace, Drew. Thanks for being such a friend.

Crazy Hope & Crazy Peace

To me, writing serves as personal reflection, self-teaching, and even prayer. It takes all my chaotic dancing thoughts out of my brain and lines them up for me to see. And if my thoughts can encourage or lift someone along with me, then that's just awesome.

I haven't been able to write in months, not because my mind's been empty, but simply because my husband hijacked my laptop to another state. It's been since June, but I was finally reunited with it this week. Ironically, the last few months have probably been the biggest whirlwind of emotion for me in years. So it probably saved you all a million boo-hoo blogs :)  But without a laptop on hand, I was forced to go directly to the Father without much chance of collecting and organizing my thoughts. So many of my prayers these last couple months came out only as eloquent cries of "WHY!?" 

But at the end of the day, I probably won't know that answer, maybe not at the end of the month, or even my lifetime. But regardless, we need to hope and trust in God's will. It's good and perfect! (Romans 12:2) We aren't. Even our best intentions or most beautiful hopes can not compare to His big-picture purposes. But even with His grand, incomprehensible will in mind, He still cares about our hearts and what we're asking for. Psalm 37:4 - "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." 


But notice how that's not the other way around, it's not...when he gives you the desires of your heart, then take delight in Him, right? We are to praise Him and trust Him with delight, even in the midst of chaos, before we have an outcome. I told you writing is my way of teaching and reminding myself, so I'm right there with you, it's not easy! But He's got us in his arms and we need to find peace in that. Peace that no matter what, He's got it. But for me, it's been finding some balance between having crazy hope in what can happen and crazy peace with whatever happens. We need both...Hope & Peace - simultaneously. And in Christ's arms, we are given that always. I want to take delight in that everyday, no matter the circumstance around me and praise Him in advance for my hopes and His promised peace.

Praise the Lord; praise God our savior!  
For each day he carries us in his arms. (Psalm 68:19 NLT)

Healing the Sting

This Memorial Day weekend was filled with awesome outdoor fun for our family. We pretty much did everything you could possibly do under the sun...we went camping, had hot dogs and s'mores over the fire, attempted some golfing, enjoyed a couple of lake beaches, and went swimming at the nearby pool.

But as the sun starting going down Monday night, Doug stepped onto the front porch and before he even made it out of the front door and huge bee stung him right on the nose. He slammed the door, let out a few bleeps, and ran for the hornet sprayer mumbling things under his breath like, "Oh... it's like that, huh? You're gonna get it now. I didn't want to do this, but it's over," while I tried not to bust out laughing. :)

I guess you could say he asked for it. But at the same time, it seemed unfair. You see, for months now we've watched these bees tirelessly make a home on our front porch. It started about the size of a pea, and on the day of the attack, was close to the size of a softball. I kept telling him to get rid of it, and people who would stop by would get a little freaked out, but Doug said he had come to really appreciate their work ethic and somehow felt bad now that he saw the motivation and labor behind it all. So all this time we just tiptoed around it and let them be. But regardless of our tolerance of them, even our appreciation, they came after us. That sucker got Doug good - blindsided him without a chance to react. Immediately, Doug retaliated and realized his gentleness just got him hurt in the end.

As I laughed to myself while Doug tried to numb the sting, I immediately related to the feeling. Lately, I've been feeling super discouraged and down. I'm an emotional person to begin with and sometimes I can't even handle my own junk, but recently I've been listening to and counseling other young women whose situations I can relate to. People in the past have told me I have a gift of empathy. But sometimes it feels like such an overwhelming burden, being surrounded by others emotions, situations, attitudes, and flat-out lies. Anyway, I was becoming consumed with this darkness, this feeling that, no matter how much effort is put into it, how gentle I am, how tolerant, how appreciating, how loving... in return, I've been getting stung. Bad. I don't know.. maybe I think in spiritual metaphors too much, but I watched my husband basically set himself up to be attacked and found this Word and thought, "Yes, God. That's where I'm at right now."

"The enemy pursues me,
    he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
    like those long dead. 

 So my spirit grows faint within me;
    my heart within me is dismayed." ~Psalm 143:3-4

Even still, I've been given a solution better than any poisonous sprayer. David goes on to say..

"I remember the days of long ago;
    I meditate on all your works
    and consider what your hands have done." ~5

I may be seeing a lot of bad right now, but what about all the good You've done!

"I spread out my hands to you;
    I thirst for you like a parched land.

 Answer me quickly, Lord;
    my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
    or I will be like those who go down to the pit." ~6-7

Crap. I need You, right now.

 ^"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
    for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
    for to you I entrust my life.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
    for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,
    for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
    lead me on level ground." ~8-10

Remind me how much You love me, and then lead me. No matter what's going on around me. I have You.

This morning, I felt a breeze of encouragement and realized, when I'm under attack, even if I get hurt, I can go to my Father. He will heal the sting and move me forward. Every time. 

Living with a Sober Guy

With my husband's permission, I just want to celebrate an awesome milestone. He is 4 years sober today. While it may take away from the anonymity of it all, I just want to tell everyone!

I haven't always been this excited about it. I'll admit some of my first thoughts when we first started dating included "We'll never relax with a beer in the summer?" "We'll never share a glass of wine on a fancy date?" "We can't even drink champagne at our wedding!" But after 4 years of him living the sober life, I am beyond grateful. I know he would not be able to be the amazing husband and father that he is today with alcohol in his way, and I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything, even a beer. I also know he would not be celebrating this milestone if it weren't for his dependence on God, and without his addiction he wouldn't know that relationship as deep as he does. We are so grateful for God bringing us together as a couple at the same time we were brought to our breaking points; it forced the cornerstone of our relationship to be built on Christ. And because of that, we can both celebrate our past struggles because He brought us out on the other side... together!

The Bible says we all have our struggles and temptations in life, but God faithfully promises us this...

"He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure." ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13


Your situation may certainly be more than you can handle, but isn't that why we need Him? He doesn't promise you'll be able to handle anything on your own, but He promises He'll help you. He is the way out. With Him, you can overcome. We know that now and want to tell the world about it.


Congrats, babe! I praise God for these last 4 years and know that by His grace they will multiply and multiply. I love you. 

Reckless Praise

Just two nights ago, Baileigh was praising around the house by herself to one of her new favs. ------->
She got so into it that she ended up smashing her face on the edge of the coffee table. She busted open her lip, cut up her gums, and has a wiggly tooth or two. There was a ton of blood and if Doug wasn't home to talk me out of it, I would have gone straight to the ER. It was pretty scary, and I assumed she would be cautious around that table from now on.


But I put on some praise music this morning and she immediately starts skipping around the table saying, "Come on, Mom!" 


"Be careful!!!" I nervously yelled back. But she just smiled with her still swollen mouth and kept moving and wiggling. 

Regardless of the pain, the fear, the embarrassment.. she was right back to praising. I thought, "I want that reckless, right back at it, kinda praise!" Careless of consequence when it comes to giving my God the glory. But maybe we should put some padding around that coffee table in the meantime! 

"I will celebrate before the LORD.  I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."  

(2 Samuel 6:21b-22a)

Extremes

I once got a C+ on a speech a wrote in college because I got so fired up about the topic that the Professor said it was more like a rant than a speech (it also may have had something to do with her being a bumper-sticker supporter of the person I was ranting against Ooops!) Anyway, I came across a seriously disturbing article in the NY Times this week and I will try my best to just share and avoid ranting, but I can't promise anything.

The article is titled Bridal Hunger Games: Losing Weight in Time for the Wedding. It's worth the click. You will be amazed at how this Style Section article seems to glorify, or at least normalize, these extreme wedding weight loss trends. The highlighted method is receiving a 10-day feeding tube through your nose which pumps you a mere 800-calories a day while you go about your everyday business (minus eating food). Is it really more of an inconvenience to go to the gym a few times a week than to walk around with a tube in your nose explaining to the sympathetic onlookers that you are not dying of cancer, but instead trying to drop a few pounds for your wedding? This isn't an obese woman looking to be mobile again; these are slightly overweight women looking to be immediately skinny. I don't understand how this is legal, really.

Leading up to my wedding, I definitely had some weight to I wanted to shed. I started teaching two classes a day, running in the mornings, and popping avocados like candy. Sure, it took more like 3 months than 10-days to get there, but I felt pretty awesome on my wedding day. I can't imagine how sickly someone would feel walking down the aisle like they just voluntarily spent a week in the hospital. Eating a little smarter and staying active may be the old-fashioned way nowadays, but it's always going to be the healthy way.

Even still, I can't help but to disagree with the saying, "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels" because I can think of at least a dozen things that taste better than anything feels and I plan on eating them occasionally :)  But as extreme as the mentioned fad procedures are, I definitely need the basic, basic reminder that there is no substitute for healthy living. No doubt this insanity is going to grow in popularity and feeding tube centers could put Weight Watchers out of business one day, but I'd rather just eat me some salad please.

There has to be a balance, a middle-ground out there somewhere. The Word says we should neither treat our bodies like crap nor obsess over them.    “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. (1 Corinthians 6:12)  While our bodies may just be earthly, temporary things, my Creator gifted me with a body, and I want to honor Him simply by choosing to respect it. I really do.

Biblical Backtalk

Earlier today Baileigh decided to take her dozens of books off of the self and pile them all over her room, which was fine. But when I told her she couldn't watch a show until they were all put back, she looked at the huge mess surrounding her and said she couldn't do it by herself. I said, "You took them all out by yourself, so you can clean em all up by yourself," and I walked out of the room.



My 3-year-old calmly replied under her breath.. "But you're still supposed to treat people how you want to be treated. You need to help people like Jesus helped people. And I just need a little help." 

Touché little one. Not sure if she was manipulating her momma or I just got handed some truth from a preschooler. LOL  Thanks a lot Grace Lutheran Preschool  ;)

Thank You for the Cross

I love the crazy range of emotions that this week brings. This past Sunday brought excitement and anticipation as we remembered Jesus triumphantly entering Jerusalem, then Thursday comes with reverence as we reflect on the Last Meal and His final hours. Friday is a somber day, focusing on the cross and His death. But isn't it awesome that we only have to wait until Sunday to rejoice and celebrate!!

It's easy to want to skip right to the fun and joy of Easter and not think about the hard and deep emotions of what happened just days before. But how much more can we celebrate Sunday morning when we remember what was actually done for us! While the cross brings about intense emotion, it still all comes down to love. Believing that I'm someone worth dying for needs to come hand-in-hand with believing that He is risen. I can rejoice for my life being resurrected this Sunday also because it's finished. It's already been accomplished. For me and for you. 

"He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world." says 1 John 2:2.

On Good Friday in 2004, my whole family went out to dinner and then went to the movies to see The Passion of the Christ. When we left, I was sobbing so hard I could barely stand up. With every gruesome strike and blow to Jesus, I said to myself, "That was for me." 

1 Timothy 1:15 summarizes my personal reminder, "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst."

While the visual depiction of the type of torture that Jesus endured is painful to watch, sometimes a tangible reminder is needed. I made a tradition of watching the film every Good Friday, as an annual visual for me to keep in mind. I often laugh remembering my mom's response to the film and my tradition. "That is the most depressing movie I've ever seen," she said. "I don't know how you watch that." And while it may be graphic, intense, brutal, saddening, and overwhelming, the overall message is the very opposite of depressing. It is the joy, freedom, love, redemption, and life that came out of it all. 

A Jewish couple from our church back in NJ shared that they actually walked into the the film for a casual movie night and came out believers. For the first time, they felt the tug in their heart that this was Truth and it happened for them. I try to remember that tug in my own heart every year. As a visual person, a depiction of the crucifixion can give that to me. My husband - not so much. We went to see a Christian-themed ballet a few weeks ago, and at one point they actually displayed a dancer up on a cross. As they raised him, Doug said under his breath to me, "Oook. They're really gonna do this, huh?" While I can appreciate the depiction, he'd just rather not see a human performance of His Savior. 

But whatever your preference might be, we need to take time this week to reflect on what was done for us through the cross. Only then will we be able to fully celebrate the Good News this Easter morning. Through reading, prayer, art, quiet time, films, music, dancing, church services, not eating meat, or whatever - remember the cross this week. Experience the range of emotion that it comes with. And rejoice with all your heart this Sunday.

 Happy Easter!  

Spring has Sprung

I love the first day of Spring. Mostly because FREE RITA'S of course, but I also love the anticipation of watching new life spring up all around. The beauty of the sunshine, budding trees, and blooming flowers makes me happy in a certain unique way. New life is beautiful, hopeful, and here.

My husband told me last night, "I can't wait to get out this weekend with the sprayer and finally get rid of all those weeds around the house. Anything green is getting sprayed!" "No!" I yelled back in an unnecessarily dramatic way. "Didn't you see all the daffodil plants coming up through the weeds?"

We moved to this place last June and missed most of the Spring blooms. By the time we settled down, the house just looked covered in an overwhelming amount of weeds. My husband has literally been talking about taking on these weeds for almost a year and is more than ready. But these unexpected daffodils, hyacinths and crocuses are coming up all through the junk. With each colorful bloom I get ridiculously excited. Flowers give me much joy, but even more comes from the reminder of new life!



Throughout the season we're surrounded with bunnies, blossoms, eggs, and chicks, and while they may have become a bit commercialized, each one of them reminds us of life - thriving, beautiful, new life.

The Bible says that everyone who belongs to Christ is a new creation - the old has gone and the new life has begun (2 Corinithians 5:17).  Only through Christ can beauty spring out of pile of junk, a beautiful flower blooming out of the weeds. God has the ability to make all things, in every season, NEW. 1 Peter 1: 23 says that because of Jesus "you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God."


This resilient daffodil is a beautiful visual of the new life we have in Christ. Not just in the Spring, but everyday, no matter what comes our way, we can stand imperishable through the living word of God.

"You turn winter into spring 

You take every living thing 

And You breathe Your breath of life into it over and over again 

You made the sunrise, day after day after day 

But there's a morning coming, when old things will all pass away 

And everyone will see 

You make all things new 

Come redeem and come transform 

Come renew and come restore "

-Steven Curtis Chapman, "You Make All Things New"  

Running with the Rugrats

Today I woke up to see sun peaking through the clouds and hear robins chirping out back and I actually had a desire to go for a run. Now while I might enjoy exercising and teaching classes, I would never ever dare call myself a "runner". But with the gym not an option because of spring break (yes, our whole town likes to shut down when Penn State does) and my husband out of the house before 7 a.m. today, I knew I had to tow two kids along if I was going to make this happen. And miraculously enough, I learned exercising with two is possible, perhaps not ideal, but somewhat feasible. I strapped my 6-month old in the jogging stroller, threw sneakers on my 3-year-old and said, "Let's go!"

In Walmart, Baileigh seems to have no problem sprinting 30 yards ahead of me the whole time, yet when I ask her to run in front of me, her legs only seem to work in short bursts followed by cries for mercy (and water) LOL. But then I grabbed her arm with one hand and pushed the stroller with the other and we laughed and jogged along for almost a mile. On the way back we stopped at a small park and she climbed the rock wall while I did walking lunges around her and used the park bench for push-ups and tricep dips. I probably looked ridiculous, but I managed to get a little sweat goin. Baileigh made it up to the top of the rock wall and I asked what she could see up there, expecting an answer like "some mountains" or "lots of cars". But she yelled with excitement "I see some mulch!!" Haha.

The three of us made it back home with just a few tears over a scraped knee, but no serious meltdowns, no screaming fits, no blown-out diapers. Just lots of giggles and a decent workout. I don't know if this means that this could become a regular part of our routine or if it means I should just hold on to this lovely memory and not push my luck ever again. But I do know my excuse of not being able to workout without a gym or a babysitter has been proven wrong to me today.
Crap   :)

Lent: A Forty-Day Fad Diet?

As a kid, Lent was super strange to me. I always had tap rehearsal on Wednesday nights, so once a year my Catholic friends came in with their black, ashy foreheads, my Jewish friends could giggle at them, and I would just be confused. There was a smeared black cross on their face and they weren't allowed to eat meat. Well actually that was just on Fridays. But fish was always OK. So no filet mignon, but lobster tail is approved? And some gave up sweets too, so no dessert for them. What was with all these 40-day no-no's? I didn't get it.

As I grew up, physically and spiritually, I slowly came to really appreciate the season of Lent. I even look forward to it. While society has seemed to make it into some sort of religious, fad diet, Lent simply comes down to sacrifice. Small, temporary, personal sacrifices in order to prepare our hearts to commemorate the Ultimate Sacrifice made through Christ. So if cutting out soda is really what it takes for you to reflect on the Cross for a few weeks, then go for it! But maybe we can actually gain something and glorify Him through this tradition of "giving up" something. Here's just a few ideas, feel free to add more in the comments



     Sacrifice       ----------------------       To Gain

 - Time on Facebook                                     - Time reading the Gospels

 - 15 Minutes of Sleeping-In                           - 15 Minutes in Prayer

 - Listening to Mainstream Radio                    - Praising God with Christian Music

                         

 - A favorite television show                           - Quiet time with your spouse

 -Your Daily Starbucks                                  - Extra cash to donate

                        

 - Going for Seconds at Dinner                      - Appreciation for our abundance

Let's remember also that Jesus said to keep these forms of  "fasting" between God and ourselves, not on display for show or merit. Matthew 6 : 16 -18 says, “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

I pray we can commit to some small sacrifices over the next few weeks in order to gain intimacy and the ability to grasp (or re-grasp) what has already been sacrificed and accomplished for us.  Love to you! :)

Honeymoon  in Nicaragua -"In Jesus We Trust" Monument 

The Battle

People who know me well know I like the "legends"... Michael Jackson, Madonna, Cher, Whitney. My friends made fun of me growing up and my husband always says, "I didn't think anyone really listened to this stuff." LOL But I'll admit it, Jackson 5 is probably my favorite band, I thoroughly enjoyed the Superbowl halftime show this year, I do a killer Cher impression, and I've sung "I Will Always Love You" around the house more times to count. So when another legendary entertainer dies to (most likely) drug overdose, of course I was seriously saddened.

But unlike my other divas and kings, Whitney's heart was strong for the Lord. She always talked openly about her faith in God, and has some beautiful, only like Whitney could sing em, Gospel songs ("I Look to You" & "I Go to The Rock" are my favs). A couple years back she talked on Oprah about her struggles with drugs.. 

Oprah: Would you just sit in your room and do drugs?

Whitney: Yeah. Talk on the phone. Watch TV. Listen to gospel. I would still read my Bible, amazingly enough. I would still read my Bible. I still had it in me. I knew God was there. I knew the light was there and I was just trying to get back to it. I just kept trying to get back to that spirituality.

Today I heard a message that said something along the lines of... "Repentance is not so much "saying sorry", but instead surrendering." All of us need the reminder that repentance isn't a one-and-done kind of thing, but is more of a daily handing-over of one's self. Just take a look at Steps 1-7 in AA and apply it to any sin or struggle; that's repentance.

It's been rumored that the last performance Whitney gave was a casual rendition of "Jesus Loves Me." The video above is a live version of the song from 1994, perhaps around the peak of her cocaine usage. Yet she still knew Jesus Loved Her, even in her mess. Sadly, Whitney may not have "won" her battle, but oh how we need to remember that the battle is not ours, it's the Lord's. So give it over to Him, again, and again, and again, and watch Him make a blessing out of your repentance. 

Hosea 14:1-2

Repentance to Bring Blessing

Return, Israel, to the LORD your God. 

   Your sins have been your downfall! 

Take words with you 

   and return to the LORD. 

Say to him: 

   “Forgive all our sins 

and receive us graciously, 

   that we may offer the fruit of our lips..

True Love

My husband isn't much into Valentine's Day. I'm sorry to say he is indeed one of those downers who calls it a corporate-invented holiday that forces people to buy stuff. Whether there is truth to that or not, Valentine's Day no doubt makes us think about love. Who we love, why we love them, maybe our lacking in the love department... but I've been reminded this week who loved us first.

(that cloud is legit - amazes me every time!)

The Bible tells us that God is Love. Not only is He Himself love, but He has expressed it to us in it's truest form and commands us to do likewise. Jesus said, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." (John 15:12-13) And this directive is not as difficult when you know wholeheartedly that the Creator of the Universe loved you first: "We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

Being the dork I am, let's pretend we're back in English class. If I was asked to identify the main theme of the entire Bible, I would confidently answer with one word: LOVE. One little verse sums up not only the Bible, but love, life, and everything in between for me...

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us"  

(1 John 3:16a)

If you walk into Hallmark this week (which my husband probably will not do  haha), you can clearly see how obsessed our world is with love. We LOVE love, but do we really live love in our day-to-day? 

Sometimes it's hard for me to grasp that as much as I love my husband, or even as much as I love my children, God loves them so much more. I could never love them as much as He does, no matter how much I tried!  

This Valentine's Day we are bound to be disappointed by someone. Now I don't say that to be a V-day downer like Doug, but to remember we are just people. The hard truth is we can not love as well as the One who is Love. And so our relationship with Him needs to be our most treasured relationship, the only one we put our complete trust in. 

HE. LOVES. ME.  It's taken me awhile to be able to confidently say those three words and I don't think I'll ever really get it or understand why .. but Love is who God is, and He doesn't contradict Himself. 

Remember your not-so-secret admirer this Valentine's Day 

and show Him some love back 

(listen and meditate on these awesome lyrics with me)