Hide & Seek

Here we go again. It sounds so nonchalant, but when I grabbed the phone to tell my husband I was bleeding, it felt like a reoccurring, familiar nightmare. Not even 6 months ago, we lost a baby around 8 weeks. It was traumatizing, an exhausting experience for me; the process of healing was long and raw. Random tears and sometimes shakes. A longing for a baby.  I’d been given the gift to see her via ultrasound, a beating heart and a little figure looking at me. “Mama?” And then weeks later, late-night in the ER, contractions, delivery, the contents of my womb. My little one swept away into a take-out container, gone forever. I’ll never hold her on this Earth. 

But now - months later, after much healing and prayer and the news of another child – again? For the first few weeks of this pregnancy I felt like a mad woman every time I was in the bathroom, like a kid watching a scary movie through cracks between his fingers. That’s how I’d pee. But in week 11, almost out of my first-trimester, after a couple of check-ups and having just announced the pregnancy to the family and Facebook World days before, the fear was dissolved, not on the mind at all. But then, after going for a nice jog with some friends on one of the first mild days of Spring, I came home to blood. So much blood. I cried on the toilet, whispering at the top of my lungs, “Jesus, Lord…”

The ride to the doctor’s was in complete silence. My husband reached over for my hand and quiet tears fell when I looked at him. His heart was hardening, mine was breaking, again. In the room (the undress from the waist down room), blood spilled down my legs, staining my socks, and pooling on the cold tile. The more blood, the more tears. Spilling all over. “I’m so sorry,” the nurses were already murmuring to me. Then the ultrasound machine was wheeled in, an overly-familiar procedure for me. “Just to check, ok?” I closed my eyes as she squeezed the goo over my belly, a little pressure. “This baby’s moving!” she almost shouted in true surprise. “We got a heartbeat.” I gasped for air as if being submerged under water for the last hour and finally released. A gasp, to keep up with the swiftness of emotions. Lowest to highest in a matter of seconds. It’s enough to knock you out. Another loud whisper was all that followed. “Praise God, thank you…”

It seemed that all the bleeding was from the placenta and the only prescription: bed rest. “Let the height of your activity be reading and folding laundry,” she said. I nodded, still smiling, the baby was fine! Alive and well. It took a awhile before realizing what bed rest with two other babies at home would mean. It’d mean constant help. On Day 4, I heard my son screaming upstairs. My Help had laid him down for a nap and was coming back soon. I just sat on the futon weighing out my options, essentially choosing between children, or that’s what it felt like. What if he fell out of his crib? I could just peek my head in, but then I’d have to climb the stairs. So do I really just sit here? Choose the unborn child over the toddler right now?

The back and forth battled in my head. The worst part (or the best, I’m not sure) is that I felt fine. I wasn’t in pain, didn’t feel ill, the bleeding had stopped. But I had to be still. Just still. God, help me be still.

And when I was still, and accepting of help, and humbled, and trusting, it was peaceful. Can I say…enjoyable? For the first time in a while, I had stretches of alone time to fill. I spent hours in bed, gazing outside in complete awe of the blooming Magnolia tree framing my bedroom window. Beyond that were horses playing and bathing next door, and the constant excitement among the birds was all the praise music I needed. I had a lovely novel, endless ice water, and the envelopment of the warm breeze circulating throughout our old farmhouse. Everything was taken care of, all I had to do was be still. In those quiet moments, I felt so close to God. So cared for. I was stuck here, but He was right next to me. I was content and full of faith. Full of Him.

And now, I’m beyond thankful to be doing well with baby strong. But back to the day-to-day routine. The wake-up, the breakfast  with cartoons, the clean-up, the school lessons, the naptimes, the lunches, the clean-up, the meltdowns, the cooking, the eating, the bathing, the bedtimes. Aaah, then comes some quiet time, quiet time usually filled with something sweet, several sit-coms, and snoring for sure. And at the end of it all, I can’t help but ask where was God today?  I definitely wasn’t in awe of His presence when changing diaper #6. He seemed so much closer in the quiet breeze, that Magnolia!

But I know – He’s not the one hiding. He’s still right here, I’m just too distracted by life off of bed rest. Hiding in the constant going. I’m not being still because I don’t have to be. But in the still, I could hear Him and feel Him. So close. In the busy, I’m seeking, seeking, seeking, but too busy to be still, listen, feel. So I’m the hider and the seeker?  But that won’t ever work.

I need to be like faithful Moses who kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible. ( Hebrews 11:27) Not the girl who kept right on going, so much so, that she missed the One that day.  No, I want to keep my eyes on Him always, in the routine, in the noise, in the diapers. I’ll run with endurance the race God has set before me. And the only way to do this is by keeping my eyes on Jesus, my champion, who initiated my faith and is perfecting it daily. (Hebrews 12: 1-2)

Everyday, constantly still. Not hiding. Exposed. Available. And always, always with my eyes on Him.

“Be still, and know that I am God!”

~ Psalm 46:10 

This I Believe

I'll call this a celebrity post - the author might not exactly be a celebrity, but she is an amazing young girl. Elise was just 11 years old when a brain tumor required sudden surgery; during the operation she suffered a stroke. Now, at 16, she suffers from multiple physical setbacks, yet her faith in God has remained unwavering. She says her biggest challenge is simply fatigue because it prevents her from doing the things she loves. She speaks openly and boldly about God's love and is an inspiration to me. She wrote this essay for the international organization called This I Believe, which encourages people to write and share essays describing personal core values that guide daily life. This is what young Elise believes...

"I believe in God. That having faith in him can give you hope like no other in the world. I believe that the strength and sureness that God provides through his everlasting love are more powerful than the strongest man in the world’s muscles. God’s purity goes beyond belief and his wisdom mightier than the entire world put together. His truthfulness and forgiveness reigns throughout the universe, while his love for us pours out for us quicker and steadier than our hearts can even beat. I believe that God’s beautiful world that he has made for us to live and thrive in gives him a more creative insight than Monet, Picasso, and Da Vinci had put together.
I believe in “being still, and knowing that God is God” and I believe in “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me” because I live and breathe these two verses every day as if they are my lifelines. Going through a major brain surgery to remove a tumor and having a stroke during that, I had to believe both of these things in order to keep going and pushing on. I believe in praising God every day for not only this, but for many other things too, such as my family’s safety and well-being, for blessing me with a house to live in, in a safe environment and community.
I know God is the one who gave me my strength to get through each and every day with my disability of only being able to use one of my arms very well and having extreme fatigue to the point where I am sometimes in tears. I believe God puts us through tough things that are most difficult in life to make us stronger.
I would have never chosen before this to undergo a traumatic brain injury or a pediatric stroke but now looking back at the past, I feel that I’m even stronger, courageous, and faithful than I ever could hope to be. I used to take my vision and the uses of the parts of my body for granted before, but now, I realize how lucky I am just to at least be able to use one of my arms and having some use of the other, and how lucky I am that even though I can’t see out of one eye and have a field cut in the other, how grateful I should be for these things that seem so simple.
When my tumor grew back, I had to undergo radiation and saw children and adults coming to get treated for cancer. I saw how most of them didn’t really seem that sad. I learned how this was because they knew that God was at their sides and wouldn’t leave them. I saw how these people were fighting a life threatening disease and were still so faithful in God."

What a perfect weekend to remember to be still and grateful, giving all the glory to God. Thanks Elise!

Freedom on a Budget

My husband and I are budgeters. He kinda converted me to the practice of extreme budgeting, but now we're an Excel-spreadsheet kind of couple. Practically every dollar earned and spent each month is accounted for. While it seems rigid from the outside, there is actually so much freedom and peace of mind in knowing that when we simply stick to the plan, we will have absolutely everything we need that month (and more!). Groceries, bills, gas, date nights, family outings, savings, giving - all allotted and divided into their appropriate amounts. By staying in the given boundaries, and not blowing it all on a whim, we're able to know we will always have enough.

This past weekend I helped host a Faith & Fitness day at our little, local church. We had a solid hour workout class with 3 different instructors and an eye-opening, encouraging discussion on nutrition. We delved into what the Bible says about it all, and enjoyed a luncheon of salad and smoothies with a bunch of lovely, sweaty ladies afterwards. As hard as we worked out, it was such a peace-filled, satisfying morning. And even though I helped lead the event, I ended up hearing and leaving with some serious truth from my nutrition-savy friend. It was along the lines of when we live within God-given boundaries, like simplicity and self-control, we actually receive freedom in return. Obviously this can be applied to other things in life, but she focused it specifically to food. Living within boundaries provides freedom? This is not something the rest of the world will tell you. The reply might be boundaries are no fun. "Diets" suck. Rules are for breaking. Right? But I know that through other simple, controlled boundaries in life, I HAVE gained freedom. With money and marriage, with alarm clocks, with discipline in parenting, even with monitoring what my eyes see and my ears hear throughout my day - when I set up the boundary, freedom follows. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free..." Galatians 5:1

So, contrary to my Hot Fudge Sundae self, I'm setting up some boundaries. With two kids and my schedule at home, I can't fit in double sessions at the gym like I did in college. I can't compensate my devout love of food with constant workouts anymore. And really, where's the boundary in that? It's almost like consistently sinning and running to confess, instead of just cutting off the sin. (Not that eating is a sin, unless it's gone to gluttony, then it might be in the running.) Anyway, I've decided to budget my food. To set the limit, to put the "don't pass this line" tape up. And in doing so, I'm expecting freedom, freedom from food. I'm only on Day 3, so I'm still in the baby stages, but this is a big step nevertheless. I'm also expecting God to meet me here, help me, and bless my self-controlled, simplified attempt of honoring Him with my body, specifically what/how much I'm putting into it. So I've got my plan, my budget is laid out, and I'm actually excited to have boundaries in place. Knowing I won't blow it all on a whim, while always having enough. Not feeling entitled to ALL of it, but instead satisfied with ENOUGH of it. Thank you friend for the encouragement; now here's to accountability!   :)

You say, 'I'm allowed to do anything' - but not everything is good for you. And even though, 'I'm allowed to do anything,' I must not become a slave to anything.  ~1 Corinthians 6:12

Faith & Fitness

Faith & Fitness Day

Saturday, January 19th, 2013

10 a.m. to noon

Crossroads Community Church

445 Oakshade Road, Shamong, NJ

-Workout with 3 Local Fitness Instructors-

Scripture, Prayer, Nutrition and More

Childcare Provided
Open to all Ladies in the area 

Bring a friend!
Wear comfortable clothes. 
If you have your own free weights and/or mat, 
bring that along too

Contact: michelle.umbehauer@gmail.com 

What a Life

I had the most sound, peaceful sleep last night. Not that I didn't cry throughout the day yesterday, I did. I cried, prayed, yelled, even threw some things (not proud of that). But last night when I went to bed, a little early, even for me, it was easy to fall asleep and stay asleep, probably for the first time in months. My good friend has been struggling and fighting hard, but recently only life support was keeping him going. He passed yesterday afternoon. And please, I don't want to diminish in anyway what the Endicott family has been and is going through now, but I can only give my own experience.


And as for me, last night I didn't keep my phone on extra loud right by my ear checking every little buzz and light with fear. I didn't toss and turn thinking of the condition that my friend was struggling against. I didn't stare at the wall terrified of the anxieties that might have been consuming his thoughts. I didn't argue with God late into the night. At 9:30 pm, I said "Amen" and was thankful, even slightly joyful that my friend was with the Lord at last. Then I fell asleep.


 Drew's last words to me a couple months ago were, "I'm so proud of you michelle, what a life you must have."

I cried when he told me that, and I cry now and every time I read it. But I'm so thankful that my good friend left me with that encouragement. Some mornings, for no reason at all, I lay in bed until I absolutely can't anymore. Until the face poking and crying through the walls can't possibly continue or until my husband rips the sheets off of me and turns on every single light. But My God, what a life I have! First of all, I can get out of my bed and stand up on my two feet! Praise the Lord. Then I have two beautiful children who can't wait to see me every morning! Thank you, Jesus. And then I have a husband who stands as my earthly rock everyday. A husband who sends me gorgeous flowers on my birthday and who hurries home from work just to hold me while my mascara runs all over his shirt. Hallelujah. And I have my Savior, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my Fortress, my Father who loves me and walks with me every single day into eternity.

What a life I DO have! Thank you Drew for just reminding me.

I want to live out the days the Lord has given me with gladness. I truly want to live His will for my life; I can't do that if I cling to my sheets every morning. What about you.. what needs to come or go in order to live God's fullest plan for your life? Keep turning to Him and ask Him, He'll tell you and help you.
And remember what a life you have.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;    
     my body also will rest secure

                                                                                   ~Psalm 16:8-9


Rest in God's Peace, Drew. Thanks for being such a friend.

Crazy Hope & Crazy Peace

To me, writing serves as personal reflection, self-teaching, and even prayer. It takes all my chaotic dancing thoughts out of my brain and lines them up for me to see. And if my thoughts can encourage or lift someone along with me, then that's just awesome.

I haven't been able to write in months, not because my mind's been empty, but simply because my husband hijacked my laptop to another state. It's been since June, but I was finally reunited with it this week. Ironically, the last few months have probably been the biggest whirlwind of emotion for me in years. So it probably saved you all a million boo-hoo blogs :)  But without a laptop on hand, I was forced to go directly to the Father without much chance of collecting and organizing my thoughts. So many of my prayers these last couple months came out only as eloquent cries of "WHY!?" 

But at the end of the day, I probably won't know that answer, maybe not at the end of the month, or even my lifetime. But regardless, we need to hope and trust in God's will. It's good and perfect! (Romans 12:2) We aren't. Even our best intentions or most beautiful hopes can not compare to His big-picture purposes. But even with His grand, incomprehensible will in mind, He still cares about our hearts and what we're asking for. Psalm 37:4 - "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." 


But notice how that's not the other way around, it's not...when he gives you the desires of your heart, then take delight in Him, right? We are to praise Him and trust Him with delight, even in the midst of chaos, before we have an outcome. I told you writing is my way of teaching and reminding myself, so I'm right there with you, it's not easy! But He's got us in his arms and we need to find peace in that. Peace that no matter what, He's got it. But for me, it's been finding some balance between having crazy hope in what can happen and crazy peace with whatever happens. We need both...Hope & Peace - simultaneously. And in Christ's arms, we are given that always. I want to take delight in that everyday, no matter the circumstance around me and praise Him in advance for my hopes and His promised peace.

Praise the Lord; praise God our savior!  
For each day he carries us in his arms. (Psalm 68:19 NLT)

Healing the Sting

This Memorial Day weekend was filled with awesome outdoor fun for our family. We pretty much did everything you could possibly do under the sun...we went camping, had hot dogs and s'mores over the fire, attempted some golfing, enjoyed a couple of lake beaches, and went swimming at the nearby pool.

But as the sun starting going down Monday night, Doug stepped onto the front porch and before he even made it out of the front door and huge bee stung him right on the nose. He slammed the door, let out a few bleeps, and ran for the hornet sprayer mumbling things under his breath like, "Oh... it's like that, huh? You're gonna get it now. I didn't want to do this, but it's over," while I tried not to bust out laughing. :)

I guess you could say he asked for it. But at the same time, it seemed unfair. You see, for months now we've watched these bees tirelessly make a home on our front porch. It started about the size of a pea, and on the day of the attack, was close to the size of a softball. I kept telling him to get rid of it, and people who would stop by would get a little freaked out, but Doug said he had come to really appreciate their work ethic and somehow felt bad now that he saw the motivation and labor behind it all. So all this time we just tiptoed around it and let them be. But regardless of our tolerance of them, even our appreciation, they came after us. That sucker got Doug good - blindsided him without a chance to react. Immediately, Doug retaliated and realized his gentleness just got him hurt in the end.

As I laughed to myself while Doug tried to numb the sting, I immediately related to the feeling. Lately, I've been feeling super discouraged and down. I'm an emotional person to begin with and sometimes I can't even handle my own junk, but recently I've been listening to and counseling other young women whose situations I can relate to. People in the past have told me I have a gift of empathy. But sometimes it feels like such an overwhelming burden, being surrounded by others emotions, situations, attitudes, and flat-out lies. Anyway, I was becoming consumed with this darkness, this feeling that, no matter how much effort is put into it, how gentle I am, how tolerant, how appreciating, how loving... in return, I've been getting stung. Bad. I don't know.. maybe I think in spiritual metaphors too much, but I watched my husband basically set himself up to be attacked and found this Word and thought, "Yes, God. That's where I'm at right now."

"The enemy pursues me,
    he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
    like those long dead. 

 So my spirit grows faint within me;
    my heart within me is dismayed." ~Psalm 143:3-4

Even still, I've been given a solution better than any poisonous sprayer. David goes on to say..

"I remember the days of long ago;
    I meditate on all your works
    and consider what your hands have done." ~5

I may be seeing a lot of bad right now, but what about all the good You've done!

"I spread out my hands to you;
    I thirst for you like a parched land.

 Answer me quickly, Lord;
    my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
    or I will be like those who go down to the pit." ~6-7

Crap. I need You, right now.

 ^"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
    for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
    for to you I entrust my life.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
    for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,
    for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
    lead me on level ground." ~8-10

Remind me how much You love me, and then lead me. No matter what's going on around me. I have You.

This morning, I felt a breeze of encouragement and realized, when I'm under attack, even if I get hurt, I can go to my Father. He will heal the sting and move me forward. Every time. 

Living with a Sober Guy

With my husband's permission, I just want to celebrate an awesome milestone. He is 4 years sober today. While it may take away from the anonymity of it all, I just want to tell everyone!

I haven't always been this excited about it. I'll admit some of my first thoughts when we first started dating included "We'll never relax with a beer in the summer?" "We'll never share a glass of wine on a fancy date?" "We can't even drink champagne at our wedding!" But after 4 years of him living the sober life, I am beyond grateful. I know he would not be able to be the amazing husband and father that he is today with alcohol in his way, and I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything, even a beer. I also know he would not be celebrating this milestone if it weren't for his dependence on God, and without his addiction he wouldn't know that relationship as deep as he does. We are so grateful for God bringing us together as a couple at the same time we were brought to our breaking points; it forced the cornerstone of our relationship to be built on Christ. And because of that, we can both celebrate our past struggles because He brought us out on the other side... together!

The Bible says we all have our struggles and temptations in life, but God faithfully promises us this...

"He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure." ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13


Your situation may certainly be more than you can handle, but isn't that why we need Him? He doesn't promise you'll be able to handle anything on your own, but He promises He'll help you. He is the way out. With Him, you can overcome. We know that now and want to tell the world about it.


Congrats, babe! I praise God for these last 4 years and know that by His grace they will multiply and multiply. I love you. 

Reckless Praise

Just two nights ago, Baileigh was praising around the house by herself to one of her new favs. ------->
She got so into it that she ended up smashing her face on the edge of the coffee table. She busted open her lip, cut up her gums, and has a wiggly tooth or two. There was a ton of blood and if Doug wasn't home to talk me out of it, I would have gone straight to the ER. It was pretty scary, and I assumed she would be cautious around that table from now on.


But I put on some praise music this morning and she immediately starts skipping around the table saying, "Come on, Mom!" 


"Be careful!!!" I nervously yelled back. But she just smiled with her still swollen mouth and kept moving and wiggling. 

Regardless of the pain, the fear, the embarrassment.. she was right back to praising. I thought, "I want that reckless, right back at it, kinda praise!" Careless of consequence when it comes to giving my God the glory. But maybe we should put some padding around that coffee table in the meantime! 

"I will celebrate before the LORD.  I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."  

(2 Samuel 6:21b-22a)

Spring has Sprung

I love the first day of Spring. Mostly because FREE RITA'S of course, but I also love the anticipation of watching new life spring up all around. The beauty of the sunshine, budding trees, and blooming flowers makes me happy in a certain unique way. New life is beautiful, hopeful, and here.

My husband told me last night, "I can't wait to get out this weekend with the sprayer and finally get rid of all those weeds around the house. Anything green is getting sprayed!" "No!" I yelled back in an unnecessarily dramatic way. "Didn't you see all the daffodil plants coming up through the weeds?"

We moved to this place last June and missed most of the Spring blooms. By the time we settled down, the house just looked covered in an overwhelming amount of weeds. My husband has literally been talking about taking on these weeds for almost a year and is more than ready. But these unexpected daffodils, hyacinths and crocuses are coming up all through the junk. With each colorful bloom I get ridiculously excited. Flowers give me much joy, but even more comes from the reminder of new life!



Throughout the season we're surrounded with bunnies, blossoms, eggs, and chicks, and while they may have become a bit commercialized, each one of them reminds us of life - thriving, beautiful, new life.

The Bible says that everyone who belongs to Christ is a new creation - the old has gone and the new life has begun (2 Corinithians 5:17).  Only through Christ can beauty spring out of pile of junk, a beautiful flower blooming out of the weeds. God has the ability to make all things, in every season, NEW. 1 Peter 1: 23 says that because of Jesus "you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God."


This resilient daffodil is a beautiful visual of the new life we have in Christ. Not just in the Spring, but everyday, no matter what comes our way, we can stand imperishable through the living word of God.

"You turn winter into spring 

You take every living thing 

And You breathe Your breath of life into it over and over again 

You made the sunrise, day after day after day 

But there's a morning coming, when old things will all pass away 

And everyone will see 

You make all things new 

Come redeem and come transform 

Come renew and come restore "

-Steven Curtis Chapman, "You Make All Things New"  

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Recently, I had to remind myself that our God is omnipresent, everywhere. A basic fundamental you could say, but when people and things all around you seem to be probing you with questions, what better way to stand strong in your faith than to remind yourself of WHO God is. God is not some guy on Earth who I decided to jump on the bandwagon for. God is God, and even in my wavering, I at least know that.

So as I go back to the basics over the next few months, reviewing all the things God has revealed about Himself through His Word, feel free to use this as a reminder with me or a tool for growing in understanding. In a world that focuses only on "Who am I?", let's remember first Who God is, because after all, we are His.

This past weekend my husband and I left our nose-picking/crying kids (above) overnight for the first time since our Honeymoon. :) We got some much needed time alone to spend on just us; we were invited to attend a weekend marriage retreat. My husband was reluctant, to say the least. But once the trip was gifted to us by our church and my mother-in-law heard that we may be in need of a babysitter, he knew there was no backing out. Emotions and talking are more exhausting for Doug than a four hour workout, plus we had no idea what to expect. "Are we going to be bunking with other couples?" Doug asked on the drive down. "Is this gonna get weird!?"  

LOL We would both tell you now that it was not at all weird, but a perfect weekend. There was plenty of time alone to focus on our marriage, pray for God's will for it, and then intentionally make that happen. One thing we did together was look at how God has blessed us over the last few years. We usually just know that He has, thank Him, and move on because if we dwell on it too long it just blows our mind and we start feeling those exhausting emotions coming on. But Doug suggested we write it down this time. What we came up with turned out to be a flow-chart looking thing, where my struggle and his struggle came together at just the right time for a kick-off blessing, and then after that, each huge miracle led right into the next. It was incredible to see on paper. Which brings me back to who God is... God is FAITHFUL. 

Even if our faith is shaky at times, He remains faithful to us! Faithful is defined as steady in allegiance or affection, constant, reliable, true to his word. And God is most definitely true to His Word. This weekend my husband and I saw God's faithfulness in our life clear as can be on paper. And as a visual thinker, it was just the reminder I needed.  "Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands." -Deuteronomy 7:9

Great is His faithfulness. Even when ours is as small as a mustard seed, He promises to remain faithful TO US, knowing one day we will be able to look back and declare it as true. Psalm 89:

I will sing of the Lord's unfailing love forever!

Young and old will hear of your faithfulness.

Your unfailing love will last forever.

Your faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens.

My personal reminder of the week... 

Where is there anyone as mighty as you, O Lord? You are entirely faithful.  (Psalm 89:8)

Amen

Believe in a Baby

We have an obnoxiously loud, talking nativity in our house that my daughter likes to play again and again and again. But at times, even our story-shouting manger seems to be drowned out by "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and continuous Justin Bieber (this song is really on again?!)

What are we actually celebrating? I remember as a kid finding out about Santa and feeling like the whole world had deceived me. I naturally started wondering if the whole baby in a manger thing was some big fairy tale too. It's easy to understand how a child might assume such a thing, what with story of the North Pole somehow mixed in with the story of Bethlehem. Even for an adult, the fantasy of the holidays can become dangerously jumbled with the miraculous Truth. And while Santa might be a fun way to celebrate God's love at Christmas time, the greatest gift in the history of mankind came as a tiny baby over 2,000 years ago. And it's that same gift that gives us hope this Christmas.

Our pastor suggested to us this Sunday that for the next week leading up to Christmas, everytime we see or pass by a manger or nativity scene (even if it is juxtaposed with a flying reindeer) we should actively remind ourselves,

"It is true." 

Luke's "carefully investigated" "orderly account" states: 

..the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”-Luke 2:10-12

It is amazing. It is miraculous. It is our eternity... and it is true! This Christmas I pray that you can be very merry in knowing that God sent Christ for you. 

"Thank God for his gift too wonderful for words!"

- 2 Corinthians 9:15

Merry Christmas!

Breaking Free

I've started an accidental ritual every Tuesday afternoon. While the little ones nap, I fold the laundry in front of the TV, completely captivated by "Hoarders" and "Intervention" on A&E. Then I end up sobbing over my folded piles almost every time. Sometimes I even end up on my knees praying for these people by name. As much as reality TV may have muddled television forever, shows like these have reminded me of a hard reality - these are actual people out there right now struggling with very real problems. And I think that's why I can't stop watching, the battle is something we all can relate to.

Whether it's clutter, addiction, guilt, pornography, money, depression, food, insecurities, or whatever else - we all have things that attempt to control us. They demand our ongoing attention, drain us of our true joy, and leave us feeling overwhelmed and overpowered. Defeated. Hopeless. Stuck.


We all can be pinned down by these strongholds in our lives, some with stronger grips than others. And when you come down to it, the struggle lives in our minds. But what a dangerous place to dwell! The mind can distort and justify all sorts of things, but only we can take back our thoughts and fix them on what it true. And what reassurance we have in knowing that God is so much bigger than all of these things! Even the strongest of addictions or the most overwhelming feelings of despair can not compare to the power of God. I'd love to create a metaphor along the lines of a lamp is hopeless if it doesn't plug into and depend on an ultimate power source, but I don't know squat about electricity. So I'll just let the Word speak for itself:

"We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God." (2 Corinthians 10:3-5)

...and some of these obstacles can by handled and destroyed instantly, yet others may be a battle each time you wake up for all the days of your life. Also, not one of us is guaranteed to never "relapse."  But God has given us all we need to overcome simply by taking back our thoughts and turning them over to Him. Peeling off the gripping lies one by one and setting our minds on Him, His Power, and His Truth.

 "Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires." (Romans 8:5)

Your "flesh" may strongly desire power, or alcohol, or possessions, or love in all the wrong places - but only God can set you free from those things and give you abundant life. I've seen it and lived it, and yet am still amazed over the reality of God's transforming power. Let God give you what He desires for you - your freedom.

Whom the Son sets free, is truly free indeed. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I don't even know where my life would be,
If you hadn't shown, shown your love towards me
Broke the chains, the chains that were binding me
Gave me liberty, Set me free

Childlike Faith

At her preschool last week, my 3-year-old daughter did a project where they explained to their teacher what they thought Jesus might look like. Many kids said like a "baby in a manger" or like "my daddy." My little girl had much to share about this topic. She filled the page and said:

"Jesus looks like a big, strong man. He is tall. He is short. He changes colors. And he makes earthquakes and the ground shake."

I saw it on the wall and thought with a proud smile, "Wow! That's my kid." Immediately I started thinking of scripture that supported my daughter's explanation. The Lord is strong and mighty, says the Psalms. The Gospels tell the story of Jesus coming to earth as a baby, and dying on the cross as a man - tall AND short! He changes colors? Yes, He did! "As he (Jesus) was praying the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightening," says the Gospel of Luke. And Hebrews 12:24 says... "At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, 'Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.' " It's all accounted for! :)

Then I looked at the picture. Up until a week or so ago, my little one's doodles were entirely undecipherable. But this was actually clear to me, looking from the side, I saw Jesus with long hair, on or next to a cross, with rainbows over Him. Rainbows... God's symbol to Noah as a reminder of His promise. Also, the Book of Revelation describes the one who sits on the throne like this: "And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne." Maybe that big green circle with two legs is even a throne!?? Haha! I stood in amazement over my daughter's spiritual gift, taking some credit for sharing simplified bible stories with her and telling her how much Jesus loved her. But never, ever had I gone as far as to suggest anything close to this.

I proudly texted my husband about it, and then my daughter explained her project to me. She spoke in an extremely nonchalant and matter-of-fact kind of way. Almost like saying, "Duh, Mom!" And then I realized... bigger than my proud mommy heart, bigger than any kind of "gift" my munchkin might possibly have, is my daughter's faith - her unshakable CHILDLIKE FAITH.

The beautiful story of Jesus and the little children goes like this - People were bringing their kids to sit with Jesus. Some told them to get away, but Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Then Jesus embraced and blessed them. (from Mark 10:14-16)

Jesus was suggesting that we must believe in Him like children believe - with wonder, excitement, and full-blown trust. Not like adults full with reason, pride, and suspicion. Believe with a childlike faith and when the question arises "But how do you know it's true?" you can respond like my little girl and simply think to yourself, "Duh!"  :)

Hard-hitting Miracles

 A year ago this week, my brother had a terrible accident. He fell off of a railing about 20 feet high and landed face first onto the cement below. He ended up with 3 skull fractures, 2 broken wrists, facial nerve damage, auditory nerve damage, and displaced bones in his eardrum. He is now permanently deaf in one ear, but amazingly, he is alive! (not to mention back on the volleyball court)

The doctors were amazed that he was as well as he was. One mentioned that a certain fracture in his skull was horizontal, but had it cracked vertically, his fall most likely would have had a fatal result. A horizontal fracture vs a vertical one - really?  I've only told my husband and a spiritual friend of mine this before, maybe because I was embarrassed or maybe because I felt guilty. But the night before my brother fell, I prayed for him by name for the first time in my life. I prayed, "God, I pray for my brother. Do whatever you need to do to reach him." I got a break-of-dawn panicked phone call after the accident, but it wasn't until hours later that I remembered that prayer. I broke into uncontrollable sobs for hours and hours, not knowing what to make of it. But I know now my God is still able and works miracles everyday. I have no doubt.

Sometimes, however, God throws us a hard-hitting miracle. I like to think of them as a slap-in-the-face from God, but a slap filled with a whole lotta love. Sometimes God speaks to us in a still, small voice, but other times a loud, life-altering wake-up call occurs. My husband and myself are so thankful that we each received a divine, personal smack across the face in life which shifted our priorities, put everything in a new perspective, and allowed amazing new blessings to flow down. "Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.  Here I am! I stand at the door and knock," says God in Revelation 3:19-20. But in even simpler terms, I imagine God saying  "I only correct you and get on you because I love you! So now, wake up and change direction. I've been trying to get to you for awhile now. But this is the only way I could reach you!" And I thank God for His persistence, even if it comes down to a hard-hitting miracle.

I know my brother's accident reopened my eyes to God's amazing power still at work. I know my brother has a new appreciation for his life, family, and relationships. I know big blessings followed for him. And I know it took a big fall for my family to strongly stand up together again, but a year later we can stand entirely grateful.

  Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness.
      Let the whole world know what he has done.
  Sing to him; yes, sing his praises.
      Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds.
  Exult in his holy name;
      rejoice, you who worship the Lord.
 Search for the Lord and for his strength;
      continually seek him.
  Remember the wonders he has performed,
      his miracles, and the rulings he has given.
                                                                  


Psalm 105 is what I intend to do by writing this and what I pray I can do for the rest of my days - thank God, remember what He has done, and tell everyone I know about it! Reflecting on almost losing my brother this week also brought to mind for me how close everyone of us are to disaster. And while it may be uncomfortable or seem pushy at times, the message of the Gospel is an urgent message. Paul says in Romans 13:11-12 "This is all the more urgent, for you know how late it is; time is running out. Wake up, for our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here."  Again, God is pleading with you, "Wake up! Here I am! Don't wait!"


I read a really thought-provoking story recently that stuck with me intensely. Listen to this piece of history:

On Sunday, October 8, 1871, a Reverend named D.L. Moody preached a Gospel message in Chicago. When he finished, he told the congregation to go home and think about what he said about the gospel, then come back tomorrow to tell him what they decided about whether or not to follow the Lord.

Perhaps a big decision such as that requires some time to sleep on it. But less than an hour later, a huge blaze begun downtown. Before midnight, the fire managed to jump the river and soon the entire district where Moody was preaching was in flames. Before the morning came, the Great Chicago Fire had destroyed over 100,000 homes and left hundreds dead, many of whom had just heard Moody's message. By not responding to God's invitation the moment they heard it, it was soon too late for a decision. Moody and his ministry was forever changed. "From now on, every chance I get I will urge upon people a decision today to turn from sin and leave it behind to follow God's Word. Today if you hear His Voice, don't harden your heart," Moody said. The book of Hebrews gives the same advice. And I pray this for everyone out there:

Today, if you hear His Voice, don't harden your heart. He's standing at the door and knocking waiting for you to open it.

Thank God for those big, hard knocks.

24/7 thanksgiving

This morning I was woken up with little fingers being jabbed into my eyeballs. Then I dropped a freshly poured mug of coffee across the kitchen floor. Some mornings it just doesn't come very naturally to declare "this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." It's more like, "Ugh, this again. I'll hang in and hope it goes by quickly."

But during this Thanksgiving, let's attempt to get back to the root of the word itself. Here's Merriam-Webster definitions of thanksgiving:

 

: the act of giving thanks

: a prayer expressing gratitude

: a public acknowledgment or celebration of divine goodness 

The word "thanksgiving" does not refer to a "feeling of thankfulness" or " the emotion of gratefulness". Thanksgiving is not merely realizing that you are thankful, but instead is acting upon it. An act, a prayer, a public acknowledgment or celebration that thanks the hand that blessed you. And true thanksgiving gives God all the credit. The Bible actually discusses the word "thanksgiving" some 30 times; it's all about expressing thanks and acknowledging that all you have been given if a gift of love from Love Himself. 

Gratitude is an attitude, but also a choice - a choice not based on emotion, feeling or even circumstance! God desires thanksgiving all the time, but not for His sake. As much as it pleases Him, He doesn't need our praises. This divine suggestion is for our own sake: "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18) Like I said before, sometimes (OK, most of the time) it's easier to complain and focus on the negative than to live above that in a life of thanksgiving. But God knows a negative, ungrateful attitude puts us in a dangerous, miserable place and He does not want us to be there. That's why we must constantly make the choice of thanksgiving.

Growing up, my family said grace just once a year. We gave thanks to God on Thanksgiving Day and that was about the extent of our action-taking. But at least our annual thanksgiving was true thanksgiving. Even at a young age, I looked forward to that time every year (even if it was always filled with snickers and groans over the pages and pages of things my aunt just had to express thanks over - including but not limited to squirrels and birds). But I think I looked forward to that time because God designed us with hearts that thrive when we give thanks, not when we grumble over what we don't have.

Baileigh's TurkeyTato

Thankfully, God gave us beautiful examples in His Word of how to give Him true thanksgiving. The Psalms are filled with it. Writing your own Psalm of sorts is one active way to give thanks. Try writing one to God and reading it not only on Thanksgiving, but everyday, especially on the days when you don't feel like it. Read  Psalm 138 for some inspiration from David and spend time thanking the Creator of the Universe for everything He has done and given you - don't forget the squirrels!

When living by faith IS living by sight

We live in a world that loves clear cut answers - a constant test filled with multiple choice, fill in the blank, and true or false. But very little open-ended. We are in an age of constant communication and immediate answers. An undetermined 5-year-plan or a lack of a quick fix for a big problem is unacceptable. Not knowing makes our society extremely uncomfortable.

Faith, however, requires an acceptance of that which is still left unclear and a trust that God will do the answering for you. Hebrews 11:1 defines it this way: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."  Other translations substitute those bolded words for words like: sure, certain, the convictions, the firm foundation, the substance, the evidence, the confirmation, the title deed, the proof! I love that - those are some seriously strong words we are talking about here. So faith is not just a wishy-washy, sparkly kind of hope that things will turn out alright - it is being certain that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Romans 8:28). Faith is also not merely believing that God does exist. James pretty humorously gets rid of that misconception by saying "You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror."  (James 2:19)  What matters to obtain faith is not necessarily believing, of course that's an important starting point, but the substance of faith is trusting and depending on who you believe in.

One of the reasons why I can personally and completely trust God with my life, especially when it comes to a crossroad, is because I've seen Him work great things in the past. I know it will happen because I've seen it happen before - God has a reputation.

(*The following is not an uplifting example for us Philly fans, I know and apologize)  Let's talk odds.. you would probably put some money on the Yankees winning another World Series down the line because it has happened a couple dozen times in the past. That's faith in the Yankees because of evidence, statistics, proof - not a wishy-washy hope that they just might win one day. Faith in God works in the same way; not just in my life, not just in this generation or this century... but for thousands and thousands of years, people have put their faith in God and He has rewarded that.

As my little family comes to another crossroads, it's often difficult for people to hear that we have no idea what we are going to do. Not that we don't think over our options, we do. But we leave the details to God. We roll with what He throws at us and pray that we can continue to lean on Him for guidance. We are trusting that we will see His hand at work in our lives because we have seen it before, and often the result is 10x better than anything we could come up with on our own.

When I was broken on a dirty, dorm room floor - I trusted. When I was betrayed and left alone - He stayed right next to me. When I was overwhelmed - He took my burdens. When we left all our family and friends and moved away - He blessed our life abundantly. When we weren't sure if we could make it that month - He provided ALL of our needs. Faith has taken me from where I was going to where God knew I could be. God is faithful, and faith is trusting in a God you know is entirely able. 

Biggest Loser for Believers

I have a secret ritual to confess to that I have done every Tuesday night for over 5 years... I intently watch the Biggest Loser. My husband and my college roommates will tell you this usually involves me eating simultaneously. I guess something about watching people workout makes me want to get down with some food. As hungry as the show makes me, it's also undeniably inspirational.

These are people who have allowed themselves to be crippled, in the dark, and practically hopeless. Through miraculous transformation they are able to dance with a newfound hope that radiates throughout their bodies.

As a believer, the Biggest Loser reminds me of two truths:  

complete transformation is possible and your body is a temple. 

• "Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." -Philippians 3:19  

 Contestants on the Biggest Loser have allowed their god to be their stomach and have landed in a shameful pit of destruction.  And it is so easy for anyone to get here! Maybe not necessarily with food, but with all sorts of earthly things that we obsess over (alcohol, money, drugs, sex, power, etc.) Only through Christ and His power in us can control over these things be accomplished and true transformation of our "lowly bodies"  occur.

• "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received  from God? You are not your own, you were bought at price. Therefore, honor God with you body." -1 Corinthians 6: 19-20

While Paul precedes this verse in reference to sexuality, the bottom line is your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit! How amazing is that?? And clearly the greatest way to dishonor your temple is to treat it like junk. Ignoring your body or feeding it with constant crap are certainly ways you can disrespect the temple of the Holy Spirit. The Lord lives in your body, don't you want it to be pleasing to him?

In the end, my obsession with weigh-ins, Bob & Jillian, challenges, and the like isn't as terrible as my husband's groaning each Tuesday implies. While I may enjoy some ice cream while viewing, The Biggest Loser does remind me of my own personal transformation and the sacredness of my temple.