You made me

I am writing right now alone in my bed, with no kids running around or even a hungry husband asking me every 2 hours what we have to eat. It's nice and quiet, I have some time to be with my thoughts and with the Lord, but it's not the typical kind of "mommy time" I desire.

Late Thursday night, Doug and I headed over to the Emergency Room; everything is "fine" now, but I have to take it easy and recover with some good old-fashioned rest. Thankfully my husband took over all of my daily duties for now and seems to be holding up alright, but I'm up here alone in bed, grateful for the break, but almost wishing I had some things to busy me right now...

Just a few weeks ago, Doug came home from work and I told him there was something on my stomach I really wanted him to take a look at. He nervously lifted my shirt and saw written across belly in eyeliner "Baby #3" with hearts all around. He was so excited, we were overjoyed. The next week I had an ultrasound and was able to see our beautiful baby's heartbeat - but the doctor was confused because they saw other stuff in there along with the baby. Tumors, masses, polyps, bleeding? They weren't sure what to call it. So the doctor just said keep coming in every 2 weeks and we'll keep an eye on the baby's heartbeat and just make sure everything is OK. We were a little scared, but my husband was sharing scriptures with me like "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14) and "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act." (Psalm 37:7) So that's all that we could do...wait. And our kind of waiting is hopeful, prayerful, confident. Worry creeps in, sure, but we have such a Hope.

So we waited and prayed and thanked God for this life that was inside me. "Right now, we have a baby," we said. "This moment, we have 3 kids and we can be glad for that!" We knew this baby already had a unique genetic blueprint, DNA present for several weeks now that would determine every characteristic this child would have all the way into adulthood, not to mention a strong, beating heart apart from mine that I got to see with my own eyes! It was amazing because it was life, and life is something to be celebrated. So we did, but I asked Doug to please keep it quiet until the next ultrasound, for my own piece of mind. So as difficult as it was, we didn't tell our observant 4-year-old or most family and friends, but still, we were so happy and so in love already.

This Thursday, though, less than a week before my next follow-up ultrasound, I started bleeding. It started out so slight, but when I went to bed that night, it had turned intense, even accompanied by the familiar feeling of early labor contractions. "I think we need to go to the hospital," I said to my husband around 11 pm. We made arrangements for the kids and quickly left, we prayed together in the parking lot, and headed in. After settling in at the ER, I felt the known feeling of downward pressure followed by a natural push. I wasn't sure of it when it was happening, but soon found I had delivered my baby completely on my own - just way earlier than I had ever wanted to. I cried and cried as I watched the nurses put my helpless tiny baby in what looked like a plastic take-out container to be sent out to a lab somewhere. After spending the entire night in the hospital with tests and ultrasounds, it was finally confirmed that I had a spontaneous, complete miscarriage. We were sent home, babyless, around 6 a.m.

So that brings me back to right now, alone in bed, just writing, trying to get my own head around it all and trying to hear God's Word in it all...that's just how I do things. I was randomly e-mailed this Bible verse this morning,

"The Lord will work out his plans for my life-

    for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
    Don’t abandon me, for you made me." ~Psalm 138:8

People have tried to encourage me by saying similar things, like everything happens for a reason or it was meant to be, and while essentially I believe this (see Romans 8:28), my eye was caught on the last part, not thinking of myself, but of my baby "Don't abandon me, for you made me." We have that promise that our God, our Maker, won't abandon us. I believe that for my baby too and I imagine that being the prayer of her heart, "Dear God, don't leave me, You made me." And I imagine God comforting her and holding her and assuring her that she will see her earthly mommy and daddy one day soon. 

 ..............

Doug and I are hurting right now, but we know so many other people have experienced this same kind of hurt, and while I wasn't sure if I was going to share any of this at all, if I could just encourage one person today who has quietly been hurting or struggling with losing a child this way, then this moment of vulnerability is completely worth it. And in the midst of this seemingly never-ending storm of a season for me, I know that God is still there and this is what I want to remember above everything else:

 The one thing I ask of the Lord—
    the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
    delighting in the Lord’s perfections
    and meditating in his Temple.
 For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
    he will hide me in his sanctuary.
    He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
Then I will hold my head high
    above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
    singing and praising the Lord with music.

                                                                ~Psalm 27:4-6

the Perfect bag

This past summer I was asked to teach dance at a Christian sports camp. Right up my alley, I thought. No problem. I choreographed a fun jazz dance to a praise song, refreshed myself with a little technique, and gathered up some music. Easy. Then I realized I'd also have to be talking to these mostly 8-11 year-old girls about Jesus. Man, I thought, what if someone had talked to me about Jesus during those years, how different my life might have been! What hurt my heart might have been saved from. I would have heard about love in a whole different light - a love that wasn't interested in make-up or mini skirts, but a Love that already was in place and could replace all of that! Instead though, that age was a turning point  in the wrong direction for me. I'm able to look back now and be grateful for my past, with all its hurt and struggle, but only because it eventually  led to perseverance, character, and hope for me (Romans 5:3-5). Yet at the same time, I couldn't help but to think about the impact Jesus could make on these young girls at this crucial time.

Mine happens to be a diaper bag  :)

So one of the days at camp we were to discuss with our groups the importance of Jesus in our individual lives. How could I explain this in a way that young, impressionable girls might be able to relate to? I didn't want to give them the details of my personal story - too much for a little girl to handle. I could just imagine the phone calls of parents coming in the next day LOL. But as I was packing my bag that day, a perfect teeny-bopper-sized analogy of my testimony came to mind. Even now, it's a perfect reminder for myself every time I pack my purse.



I told the girls that I was first introduced to Jesus right after turning 14. At that time, I was a busy young woman. Dance, school, plays, more dance, friends, boys, and dance filled my schedule. I told them to imagine their favorite purse. And if life was this adorable bag, then I had all of my interests and activities already thrown into my big bag of life at age 14. So when I heard about Jesus, and liked it, and started going to church, I simply threw Him and church in my bag with everything else that was already in there. He was in there definitely, I said, but sometimes I couldn't get to Him with all the other stuff on top. He definitely got a little smooshed by all those activities, especially the Sunday rehearsals, and sometimes was close to being crushed altogether by the friends, parties, and boys that were overflowing from my bag.

The girls got this! We passed an empty tote around and they each shared all the stuff that fills their cute, little girl, "life bags." They laughed and smiled. But then I told them that as I got older and experienced some challenging things, I realized that Jesus can't just be thrown into our bags like all our other interests and activities. Jesus needs to BE THE BAG - the Protector, the Vessel, the Life. HE holds all of it in place and we need to trust Him to carry it all. Everything in our lives needs to find it's place in this Perfect purse we're given. But also, sometimes a girl has just gotta clean out her stuff! Get rid of the junk, so that she can use and appreciate her beautiful Bag.

1 Corinthians chapter 8 verse 6 reminds us: "yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live; and there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live." And so we choose Him and trust Him to carry all of our stuff - in every outfit, in every season, every day - our Perfect bag.

It made sense to a bunch of little girls, and again to me this morning. Maybe it did for you too and every time you grab your bag on your way out-the-door, you can remember who's really holding it all together :)