What a Life

I had the most sound, peaceful sleep last night. Not that I didn't cry throughout the day yesterday, I did. I cried, prayed, yelled, even threw some things (not proud of that). But last night when I went to bed, a little early, even for me, it was easy to fall asleep and stay asleep, probably for the first time in months. My good friend has been struggling and fighting hard, but recently only life support was keeping him going. He passed yesterday afternoon. And please, I don't want to diminish in anyway what the Endicott family has been and is going through now, but I can only give my own experience.


And as for me, last night I didn't keep my phone on extra loud right by my ear checking every little buzz and light with fear. I didn't toss and turn thinking of the condition that my friend was struggling against. I didn't stare at the wall terrified of the anxieties that might have been consuming his thoughts. I didn't argue with God late into the night. At 9:30 pm, I said "Amen" and was thankful, even slightly joyful that my friend was with the Lord at last. Then I fell asleep.


 Drew's last words to me a couple months ago were, "I'm so proud of you michelle, what a life you must have."

I cried when he told me that, and I cry now and every time I read it. But I'm so thankful that my good friend left me with that encouragement. Some mornings, for no reason at all, I lay in bed until I absolutely can't anymore. Until the face poking and crying through the walls can't possibly continue or until my husband rips the sheets off of me and turns on every single light. But My God, what a life I have! First of all, I can get out of my bed and stand up on my two feet! Praise the Lord. Then I have two beautiful children who can't wait to see me every morning! Thank you, Jesus. And then I have a husband who stands as my earthly rock everyday. A husband who sends me gorgeous flowers on my birthday and who hurries home from work just to hold me while my mascara runs all over his shirt. Hallelujah. And I have my Savior, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my Fortress, my Father who loves me and walks with me every single day into eternity.

What a life I DO have! Thank you Drew for just reminding me.

I want to live out the days the Lord has given me with gladness. I truly want to live His will for my life; I can't do that if I cling to my sheets every morning. What about you.. what needs to come or go in order to live God's fullest plan for your life? Keep turning to Him and ask Him, He'll tell you and help you.
And remember what a life you have.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;    
     my body also will rest secure

                                                                                   ~Psalm 16:8-9


Rest in God's Peace, Drew. Thanks for being such a friend.

Crazy Hope & Crazy Peace

To me, writing serves as personal reflection, self-teaching, and even prayer. It takes all my chaotic dancing thoughts out of my brain and lines them up for me to see. And if my thoughts can encourage or lift someone along with me, then that's just awesome.

I haven't been able to write in months, not because my mind's been empty, but simply because my husband hijacked my laptop to another state. It's been since June, but I was finally reunited with it this week. Ironically, the last few months have probably been the biggest whirlwind of emotion for me in years. So it probably saved you all a million boo-hoo blogs :)  But without a laptop on hand, I was forced to go directly to the Father without much chance of collecting and organizing my thoughts. So many of my prayers these last couple months came out only as eloquent cries of "WHY!?" 

But at the end of the day, I probably won't know that answer, maybe not at the end of the month, or even my lifetime. But regardless, we need to hope and trust in God's will. It's good and perfect! (Romans 12:2) We aren't. Even our best intentions or most beautiful hopes can not compare to His big-picture purposes. But even with His grand, incomprehensible will in mind, He still cares about our hearts and what we're asking for. Psalm 37:4 - "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." 


But notice how that's not the other way around, it's not...when he gives you the desires of your heart, then take delight in Him, right? We are to praise Him and trust Him with delight, even in the midst of chaos, before we have an outcome. I told you writing is my way of teaching and reminding myself, so I'm right there with you, it's not easy! But He's got us in his arms and we need to find peace in that. Peace that no matter what, He's got it. But for me, it's been finding some balance between having crazy hope in what can happen and crazy peace with whatever happens. We need both...Hope & Peace - simultaneously. And in Christ's arms, we are given that always. I want to take delight in that everyday, no matter the circumstance around me and praise Him in advance for my hopes and His promised peace.

Praise the Lord; praise God our savior!  
For each day he carries us in his arms. (Psalm 68:19 NLT)

Healing the Sting

This Memorial Day weekend was filled with awesome outdoor fun for our family. We pretty much did everything you could possibly do under the sun...we went camping, had hot dogs and s'mores over the fire, attempted some golfing, enjoyed a couple of lake beaches, and went swimming at the nearby pool.

But as the sun starting going down Monday night, Doug stepped onto the front porch and before he even made it out of the front door and huge bee stung him right on the nose. He slammed the door, let out a few bleeps, and ran for the hornet sprayer mumbling things under his breath like, "Oh... it's like that, huh? You're gonna get it now. I didn't want to do this, but it's over," while I tried not to bust out laughing. :)

I guess you could say he asked for it. But at the same time, it seemed unfair. You see, for months now we've watched these bees tirelessly make a home on our front porch. It started about the size of a pea, and on the day of the attack, was close to the size of a softball. I kept telling him to get rid of it, and people who would stop by would get a little freaked out, but Doug said he had come to really appreciate their work ethic and somehow felt bad now that he saw the motivation and labor behind it all. So all this time we just tiptoed around it and let them be. But regardless of our tolerance of them, even our appreciation, they came after us. That sucker got Doug good - blindsided him without a chance to react. Immediately, Doug retaliated and realized his gentleness just got him hurt in the end.

As I laughed to myself while Doug tried to numb the sting, I immediately related to the feeling. Lately, I've been feeling super discouraged and down. I'm an emotional person to begin with and sometimes I can't even handle my own junk, but recently I've been listening to and counseling other young women whose situations I can relate to. People in the past have told me I have a gift of empathy. But sometimes it feels like such an overwhelming burden, being surrounded by others emotions, situations, attitudes, and flat-out lies. Anyway, I was becoming consumed with this darkness, this feeling that, no matter how much effort is put into it, how gentle I am, how tolerant, how appreciating, how loving... in return, I've been getting stung. Bad. I don't know.. maybe I think in spiritual metaphors too much, but I watched my husband basically set himself up to be attacked and found this Word and thought, "Yes, God. That's where I'm at right now."

"The enemy pursues me,
    he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
    like those long dead. 

 So my spirit grows faint within me;
    my heart within me is dismayed." ~Psalm 143:3-4

Even still, I've been given a solution better than any poisonous sprayer. David goes on to say..

"I remember the days of long ago;
    I meditate on all your works
    and consider what your hands have done." ~5

I may be seeing a lot of bad right now, but what about all the good You've done!

"I spread out my hands to you;
    I thirst for you like a parched land.

 Answer me quickly, Lord;
    my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
    or I will be like those who go down to the pit." ~6-7

Crap. I need You, right now.

 ^"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
    for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
    for to you I entrust my life.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
    for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,
    for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
    lead me on level ground." ~8-10

Remind me how much You love me, and then lead me. No matter what's going on around me. I have You.

This morning, I felt a breeze of encouragement and realized, when I'm under attack, even if I get hurt, I can go to my Father. He will heal the sting and move me forward. Every time. 

Living with a Sober Guy

With my husband's permission, I just want to celebrate an awesome milestone. He is 4 years sober today. While it may take away from the anonymity of it all, I just want to tell everyone!

I haven't always been this excited about it. I'll admit some of my first thoughts when we first started dating included "We'll never relax with a beer in the summer?" "We'll never share a glass of wine on a fancy date?" "We can't even drink champagne at our wedding!" But after 4 years of him living the sober life, I am beyond grateful. I know he would not be able to be the amazing husband and father that he is today with alcohol in his way, and I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything, even a beer. I also know he would not be celebrating this milestone if it weren't for his dependence on God, and without his addiction he wouldn't know that relationship as deep as he does. We are so grateful for God bringing us together as a couple at the same time we were brought to our breaking points; it forced the cornerstone of our relationship to be built on Christ. And because of that, we can both celebrate our past struggles because He brought us out on the other side... together!

The Bible says we all have our struggles and temptations in life, but God faithfully promises us this...

"He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure." ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13


Your situation may certainly be more than you can handle, but isn't that why we need Him? He doesn't promise you'll be able to handle anything on your own, but He promises He'll help you. He is the way out. With Him, you can overcome. We know that now and want to tell the world about it.


Congrats, babe! I praise God for these last 4 years and know that by His grace they will multiply and multiply. I love you.