World's Best Boss

Baileigh is my little watchguard. She may be more on top of what Doug and I are up to than we are of her. I'm nervous this may translate into the playground tattletale in school next year, but for now she keeps watch on Mom and Dad with daily comments like:

"Guys, is this commercial appropriate?"

"Dad's been a bad example to you and now you're a bad example to Dougie. Stop drinking out of the container, Mom!"

(after catching me tap my hubby with a spatula as he walked by) "Mom, that's not for using with Daddy, only with pancakes!"

The name Baileigh (or Bailey) actually stems from the word "bailiff" which means a person who keeps order. Yep, that's her.

But honestly, she's the closest thing I have to a boss during the day. She's the one evaluating my work, demanding quickness and completion. I can laugh it off, and actually, I've always enjoyed having someone assess my work, so becoming a stay-at-home mom was originally a struggle for me, mainly for the fact that there was no A+ or red pen on my work that day. I can handle a 4-year-old as my watchdog, but I need to remember my Master is someone much greater.  

I'm looking to tattoo my toilet tank and stain my dish-washing window with the verse: "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." (Colossians 3:23).

So even if I did have a boss in this phase of life, my work and my day-to-day duties should be done as if Jesus himself was my superior. When I scrub a toilet til it's squeaky clean and someone comes in minutes later with an explosive episode... Breathe, it's alright, I'm working for the Lord, not for people. When my husband jokes that he never sees the kitchen sink empty, yet it's actually vacant 75 percent of the day (I'm tempted to send him daily pictures!) It's cool. I'm working for the Lord, He knows.

There are some days when I'm so filled with this truth and wake up excited to work for my Boss. But honestly, there are many other days where I ask, why the heck I am doing this again? It's gonna go unnoticed, what's the point. But that's not true. I want the truth. I want to work at everything I do with all my heart, like I am employed by the Lord. I want to gladly serve my Lord.

Similarly in 1 Peter 1:14-16, I'm reminded how to live and work.

"So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then.  But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.”

What is it that you want to give up on when no one's watching? What selfish, old way of living could you slip right back into? Laziness? Drunkeness? Fill in the blank. Maybe you didn't know any better then, that's my excuse and it's biblically justisfied! But not anymore, now I am called to live as God's obedient child. Because God is my Master, I must strive to work like my Boss. Because He is holy, I must strive to be holy. Because I know better now, I must not slip back into my own selfish ways. 

Whether you have a boss or not, work for the Lord above all else. Not because you have to impress Him, but because you absolutely want to. Reverently. Joyfully. Willingly. With all your heart. 

Hide & Seek

Here we go again. It sounds so nonchalant, but when I grabbed the phone to tell my husband I was bleeding, it felt like a reoccurring, familiar nightmare. Not even 6 months ago, we lost a baby around 8 weeks. It was traumatizing, an exhausting experience for me; the process of healing was long and raw. Random tears and sometimes shakes. A longing for a baby.  I’d been given the gift to see her via ultrasound, a beating heart and a little figure looking at me. “Mama?” And then weeks later, late-night in the ER, contractions, delivery, the contents of my womb. My little one swept away into a take-out container, gone forever. I’ll never hold her on this Earth. 

But now - months later, after much healing and prayer and the news of another child – again? For the first few weeks of this pregnancy I felt like a mad woman every time I was in the bathroom, like a kid watching a scary movie through cracks between his fingers. That’s how I’d pee. But in week 11, almost out of my first-trimester, after a couple of check-ups and having just announced the pregnancy to the family and Facebook World days before, the fear was dissolved, not on the mind at all. But then, after going for a nice jog with some friends on one of the first mild days of Spring, I came home to blood. So much blood. I cried on the toilet, whispering at the top of my lungs, “Jesus, Lord…”

The ride to the doctor’s was in complete silence. My husband reached over for my hand and quiet tears fell when I looked at him. His heart was hardening, mine was breaking, again. In the room (the undress from the waist down room), blood spilled down my legs, staining my socks, and pooling on the cold tile. The more blood, the more tears. Spilling all over. “I’m so sorry,” the nurses were already murmuring to me. Then the ultrasound machine was wheeled in, an overly-familiar procedure for me. “Just to check, ok?” I closed my eyes as she squeezed the goo over my belly, a little pressure. “This baby’s moving!” she almost shouted in true surprise. “We got a heartbeat.” I gasped for air as if being submerged under water for the last hour and finally released. A gasp, to keep up with the swiftness of emotions. Lowest to highest in a matter of seconds. It’s enough to knock you out. Another loud whisper was all that followed. “Praise God, thank you…”

It seemed that all the bleeding was from the placenta and the only prescription: bed rest. “Let the height of your activity be reading and folding laundry,” she said. I nodded, still smiling, the baby was fine! Alive and well. It took a awhile before realizing what bed rest with two other babies at home would mean. It’d mean constant help. On Day 4, I heard my son screaming upstairs. My Help had laid him down for a nap and was coming back soon. I just sat on the futon weighing out my options, essentially choosing between children, or that’s what it felt like. What if he fell out of his crib? I could just peek my head in, but then I’d have to climb the stairs. So do I really just sit here? Choose the unborn child over the toddler right now?

The back and forth battled in my head. The worst part (or the best, I’m not sure) is that I felt fine. I wasn’t in pain, didn’t feel ill, the bleeding had stopped. But I had to be still. Just still. God, help me be still.

And when I was still, and accepting of help, and humbled, and trusting, it was peaceful. Can I say…enjoyable? For the first time in a while, I had stretches of alone time to fill. I spent hours in bed, gazing outside in complete awe of the blooming Magnolia tree framing my bedroom window. Beyond that were horses playing and bathing next door, and the constant excitement among the birds was all the praise music I needed. I had a lovely novel, endless ice water, and the envelopment of the warm breeze circulating throughout our old farmhouse. Everything was taken care of, all I had to do was be still. In those quiet moments, I felt so close to God. So cared for. I was stuck here, but He was right next to me. I was content and full of faith. Full of Him.

And now, I’m beyond thankful to be doing well with baby strong. But back to the day-to-day routine. The wake-up, the breakfast  with cartoons, the clean-up, the school lessons, the naptimes, the lunches, the clean-up, the meltdowns, the cooking, the eating, the bathing, the bedtimes. Aaah, then comes some quiet time, quiet time usually filled with something sweet, several sit-coms, and snoring for sure. And at the end of it all, I can’t help but ask where was God today?  I definitely wasn’t in awe of His presence when changing diaper #6. He seemed so much closer in the quiet breeze, that Magnolia!

But I know – He’s not the one hiding. He’s still right here, I’m just too distracted by life off of bed rest. Hiding in the constant going. I’m not being still because I don’t have to be. But in the still, I could hear Him and feel Him. So close. In the busy, I’m seeking, seeking, seeking, but too busy to be still, listen, feel. So I’m the hider and the seeker?  But that won’t ever work.

I need to be like faithful Moses who kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible. ( Hebrews 11:27) Not the girl who kept right on going, so much so, that she missed the One that day.  No, I want to keep my eyes on Him always, in the routine, in the noise, in the diapers. I’ll run with endurance the race God has set before me. And the only way to do this is by keeping my eyes on Jesus, my champion, who initiated my faith and is perfecting it daily. (Hebrews 12: 1-2)

Everyday, constantly still. Not hiding. Exposed. Available. And always, always with my eyes on Him.

“Be still, and know that I am God!”

~ Psalm 46:10 

This I Believe

I'll call this a celebrity post - the author might not exactly be a celebrity, but she is an amazing young girl. Elise was just 11 years old when a brain tumor required sudden surgery; during the operation she suffered a stroke. Now, at 16, she suffers from multiple physical setbacks, yet her faith in God has remained unwavering. She says her biggest challenge is simply fatigue because it prevents her from doing the things she loves. She speaks openly and boldly about God's love and is an inspiration to me. She wrote this essay for the international organization called This I Believe, which encourages people to write and share essays describing personal core values that guide daily life. This is what young Elise believes...

"I believe in God. That having faith in him can give you hope like no other in the world. I believe that the strength and sureness that God provides through his everlasting love are more powerful than the strongest man in the world’s muscles. God’s purity goes beyond belief and his wisdom mightier than the entire world put together. His truthfulness and forgiveness reigns throughout the universe, while his love for us pours out for us quicker and steadier than our hearts can even beat. I believe that God’s beautiful world that he has made for us to live and thrive in gives him a more creative insight than Monet, Picasso, and Da Vinci had put together.
I believe in “being still, and knowing that God is God” and I believe in “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me” because I live and breathe these two verses every day as if they are my lifelines. Going through a major brain surgery to remove a tumor and having a stroke during that, I had to believe both of these things in order to keep going and pushing on. I believe in praising God every day for not only this, but for many other things too, such as my family’s safety and well-being, for blessing me with a house to live in, in a safe environment and community.
I know God is the one who gave me my strength to get through each and every day with my disability of only being able to use one of my arms very well and having extreme fatigue to the point where I am sometimes in tears. I believe God puts us through tough things that are most difficult in life to make us stronger.
I would have never chosen before this to undergo a traumatic brain injury or a pediatric stroke but now looking back at the past, I feel that I’m even stronger, courageous, and faithful than I ever could hope to be. I used to take my vision and the uses of the parts of my body for granted before, but now, I realize how lucky I am just to at least be able to use one of my arms and having some use of the other, and how lucky I am that even though I can’t see out of one eye and have a field cut in the other, how grateful I should be for these things that seem so simple.
When my tumor grew back, I had to undergo radiation and saw children and adults coming to get treated for cancer. I saw how most of them didn’t really seem that sad. I learned how this was because they knew that God was at their sides and wouldn’t leave them. I saw how these people were fighting a life threatening disease and were still so faithful in God."

What a perfect weekend to remember to be still and grateful, giving all the glory to God. Thanks Elise!

Fear Not

"Fear not."  It's probably the most common phrase in the Bible, usually coming from God himself or from one of His angels, and yet fear is probably the most common issue we face day-to-day.

Fear of not making enough money. Fear of the future or the unknown. Fear of pain. Fear of losing someone. Fear of pretty much everything.

Obviously, judging by the amount of times He tells us to "fear not", God doesn't want us living like this. We'll miss all He has for us when we live life cornered by fear. I think God also recognizes how much we tend to default to fear, or He wouldn't feel the need to repeat Himself, but He wants us to default to Him instead.

Around Christmas time, Baileigh memorized what the angels said to the shepherds when Jesus was born. And now at Easter, she learned what the angels said to the women at the tomb. She's gotten them a little mixed up at times because they both begin with the same "Don't be afraid." So she's come up with a blending of the two holidays,but it still works.. "Don't be afraid. I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. Jesus, who was crucified, isn't here!"

Amen! The first words of each original holiday begin with "don't be afraid" (or "fear not"). I know it's obviously because an angel has just appeared out of nowhere to them and I'm sure they were shaking in their boots. But also, with both announcements, Jesus being born and risen, it's assuring them (and us) "you don't need to live in fear anymore- and this is why."

Research shows that the emotion of fear "triggers more than 1,400 known physical and chemical responses, and activates more than 30 different hormones and neurotransmitters" (Dr. Caroline Leaf). Fear is also the root emotion behind all stress, and stress can actually marinate our bodies in toxic chemicals. Clearly, fear is even dangerous to our health. So where does this powerful, unhealthy, negative emotion of fear come from? Well I know where it does not come from..

The Bible says, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." ~2 Timothy 1:7

This verse has been playing in my head for weeks now - when I feel the fear start creeping in, I am training myself to say, "Nope, God has not created me with a spirit of fear." And then replace the fear with thoughts of power, love, and calmness. All things that God's Word and His presence are overflowing with. But fear, that is never from Him. He desires that we don't live in fear, but in Him. And only in Him do we have the power to deny fear and replace it. Even if it's every second of everyday at first.

"Fear not." It's in God's Word many, many times. But even if He only said it once, it would still be enough for me.